beyond tired

i think ive found the step that comes after being so tired you cant think straight anymore...and things are just weird right now feelingwise...today things have been off with the kids since they got up this morning and i didnt help matters at all by waking up in a bad mood..and not that i took it out on them but i didnt let up this morning and if they didnt listen to me i called issues on them..kinda simple kinda not so simple..and things just went downhill from there...one thing after another with them...so many blowups and i was outside talking to one and two others were sent outside..ones inside are crying and freaking out from all the yelling and screaming and ive talked so much today i just never want to say another word again...maybe today counts as break through days for some of them but still for some its like talking to a brick wall and not being able to make leway at all.its always to same old stuff and i have no idea what i can say to get things into his head and make him listen to me or anyone else for that matter..but its nice to have a challenge i guess and after listening to the small group of ones who cant behave say they hate us and that the program and yada yada yada...what are they going to go home and tell there parents? what will they take away from the program and use later in life..because i had the you can graduate high school and go to college talk tonight and its so weird having those types of conversations when i just graduated and have no clue about life and real life stuff..im glad wed will be here and its just one more day and even with all the blow ups..one of the kids really said that the 2 hour group we had before lunch with all of the blow ups was one of the best he had been in...once all the kids causing problems were removed the rest of the group had the chance to talk and its really hard and not fair i guess hearing the ones who feel like they arent getting attention because staff is constantly one one of the other kids cases...and they are so right..we cant focus on them when i am always telling one of them to stop or calm down or to get away from the group and collect themselves...its not fair to them at all..but it things to work on...hmm im feeling a bit more confident though about things i guess..i have to kee preminding myself that just because they say they hate me it doesnt mean they really hate me..considering two hours later we are laughing and playing games and watching movies...they just dont know how to get out frustration at all...and its so good seeing who is really trying and so annoying seeing who isnt...i also had the your wasting your time and ours speech, you can control yourself speech, you dont deserve to be in the group speech and the i dont hate you speech...its been a long night..and oh some time soon i will be getting myself a very very big mixed drink and going off to sleep for a couple days...i told jim i was going to run away for the three days im off so i guess its too bad i have no where to go...im still waiting to go home till the end of the month and that will be a good break...geting away completely will be nice even if it is just for a few days..and im really missing riey and harris and my teachers and yvonne..and so yea ill see how it goes..funny how taking a shower in the sm can really change a persons perspective..not to mention so many of the kids are sick, im sick, jims sick, jon is sick..what ever it is is going around horribly and its rather miserable in a way..but i did get some new movies recently and finally got a copy of finding neverland! we are finishing up narnia tonight and that will be really cool since its my movie anyway..but im going to bed as soon as i can..for some reason being here really doesnt work for my sleeping patterns and i always get 8 or so hours of sleep and its feels like i get 4 or 5...ive decided the kids are little energy leeches and they suck me dry in less than a day..no matter how much rest i get while im off its like i never rested at all by dinner that day...it sucks in a lot of ways but it also makes me realize im going to have to do a better job of taking care of myself but im not really sure how...i take care of everyone else and now its becoming obvious i have to learn to take care of myself or ill crash and burn really quickly..and that makes me worry