silence

silence...i dont really know why im thinking of it now of all times but i am..its like well what is it exactly and how is it that someone can be taught not to speak..either accidently or intentional it happened and i think ill be stuck trying to work around it for the rest of my life..no one has ever really asked why i dont talk and the ones who did ask didnt do it in the right way and so it was easy and made sense at the time for me to just say i have nothing to say and so i dont talk..and that would be all fine and dandy if i didnt write a million things down and if i wasnt always going over conversations and things in my head...i think it things had turned out differently i would never shut up..so why silence..i was on a message board just reading through some things and got on a topic about therapy and what not..well im not against therapy at all..i see my kids struggle so hard to manage day to day stuff and some of them are in therapy..some of them are starting therapy while they are with us and like arran said..theres a difference in having trouble dealing with stuff and getting help for it and having trouble and not doing anything about it...i see them well some of them work hard to stay ok and be willing to go and try so hard to work on stuff and i guess im ashamed of myself for not trying harder to figure things out and to go and start seeing someone again...jealous too i guess since they are able to have someone just sit down and ask are they ok with this and if they want to go...i almost wish that stupid contract was still in effect but since ive graduated its not anymore..im old enough to take care of myself and i dont need to have someone make me do things since i hate it so much anyway..and it being left up to me just makes it suck so much because i really do just get scared and refuse to do anything with it...and if it gets bad enough and i really stress about it ill go back to having little panic attacks and refusing to get out of bed because doing anything makes me forget to breathe properly..no idea how i can get stressed enopugh to forget to breathe but i can and its seems so very stupid even writing about it now..but i dont really know how to explain the silence that kinda reufses to go anywhere..sometimes i want to talk so much it really does hurt..its like having a battle against myself to see how long i can keep quiet before i have to say anything...im asked quetions that i really can answer but then i start to doubt what i have to say and fear being wrong and getting in trouble and opt for the easy way out..if i dont say anything i cant get in trouble for anything..theres nothing to be yelled at for if its like i dont pay attention or dont listen..and then there are times when i could talk for days about everything that bothers me and its like i cant...i start to say something and i have to stop before anything comes out because ebcause im afraid ill be in trouble or hated or because once i say it then i cant t ake it back or something and then ill just be in more trouble...and sometimes it kinda feels like there really is something stopping me from saying anything at all...all these words are trapped behind something and just refuses to give an inch ever and they will never come out..always stuck ..them being stopped gives me time to think about what i want to say vs what i can say...they are never the same thing..i can take out whats not right or safe or good or proper or whatever and make it so its ok to say it..and still sometimes its not good enough..and i still get stuck and cant figure anything out..so i dont know and i dont really think ive even figured out what i set out to figure out..just kinda rambled on and on about nothing..so i guess im going to bed...long day of driving tomorrow since im in raliegh now with yvonne and have to take her back to greenville nc tomorrow before heading back to sc...2 hours in the wrong direction tomorrow morning but oh well..it was a fun day