flawed logic

how easy it is to fall beack into being incredibly depressed in just a couple hours with nothing to keep me occupied...napped for most of the day when igot hom this morning anim having trouble falling asleep...feeling a little sick and i guess now that ive stopped moving its making itsself known..but maybe its just a rest thing and ill feel better in a couple days after being able to catch up on sleep...borrowed a movie from andy and it was sad but good..brought up a million questions about friends that i dont really want to think about right now ince im back to feeling incredibly alone...got caught up reading a book and now im just questioning a lot of stuff...but i finally understand why it is my teacher kept asking why it is you really have to deal with all your own stuff before you go to work depending on the field you are going into..it only took a month to figure it out and i almost wish i had paid more attention to her reasoning when she kept asking...because it really does suck in some ways..more so now that im off after a horrible weekend at work in some ways...i dont really know how im supposed to handle the after effects i guess...i killed all reactions when i had to even when i was incredibly close to believing one of them was going to hit me...i didnt react to any of it then and the whole time i was there and half paying attention to him and half trying to figure out a way out of the whole big deal over nothing i kept thinking how am i going to fix this whole situation with the least amt of hurt feelings...i spend a lot of time thinking up new ways to talk to him because its all becoming rather redundant and they are just not getting the big picture right now..i think ill yell if i have to give one more how to work in a group talk to the same kid...ive put a lot of hours into talking to him and being ignored in some ways since he is still doing the same thing and its just like ok fine ill figure out some way to get through to you but i will get through before he leaves in may..but how i dont know..how im going to last till may i dont know either...i feel worn out and completely get why we are on the schedule we have..its so easy to get stuck and just start lashing out with the kids when it seems like there are no other options...and even with all the stupid stuff that went on and all the arguements and spending kids away from the group we still had fun moments..played monopoly last night and i of course lost miserably but it was fun..we watched over the hedge too..finally caught up on paperwork and then got to leave this morning..and driving away and knowing i wouldnt have to come back for a few days made me so happy..and i just really really hope next week will be ok and it wont be as stressful..zoned out horribly yesterday after cutting and that wasnt good becuase i didnt want to do anything i was completely ashamed of myself for doing it while i was working...still want to cut kinda ...and the feeling has just been getting worse all night..but its late and im going to bed..