maybe

im not selfish..maybe i am selfish ..i dont know..how is it that since i dont want to really give henry money that i can go back to being the most selfish person alive and i didnt even really say no..i didnt really say anything..and i should have figured out that once she found out i was even going to see him that it would turn into how much money can i give him...its her fault anyway that i have a gazillion bills to pay on cards i never used..and now i have them back and cant use them even if i wanted too..funny how having a job isnt that great after you realize how much junk there is to pay off..and once i pay off the stupid credit cards and throwing them away because i dont shop at the stores anyway and i dont need them ..i have to pay for my car and insurance and rent and all this little stuff that i wasnt really thinking about ..and i do wonder how it will be done...maybe it wont be so bad since i know i will pay them on time but still it sucks a lot...i have a few more months before i have to start paying back loans b ut not many and there are a million things i want to do and cant even figure out how ill save when everything is due at the same time and i get to watch my pay checks go to a million different things..its just not fair i et stuck with all of it when i didnt do any of it..i cant make plans when i dont know what i have and what i dont have..i could complain but it wouldnt make a difference..i could say i wont pay anything but that would just ruin whats left of my credit and its not much anyway...so ill just figure out what can be paid when and go from there..maybe somewhere along the line ill get some extra money and can still go to canada in may..that being said i still need a passport that ive looked into getting a million times and still havent done yet..it will be a lot of money to get one and still i would have to figure out bills first ..i can just see calling mommy and saying i cant pay bills because i had to get a passport and now i dont have any money..that would go over real well im sure...so i dont know..ill just have to wait and see and hope i get lucky at some point..

spent 8 hours or more on the road yesterday...2 hours going in the wrong direction to take yvonne back to greenville nc before i had to turn around and go to greenville sc..mommy started calling and swearing i was going in the wrong direction when i hadnt made it home yet..and she called and called checking on me until i was almost positive i was going in the wrong direction..even though it was the same way we had gone before and she even called wayne to check my directions..i would like to think i would be able to read and get places by myself..thats what mapquest is for..but obvisuoly im not and need to be checked until i start to freak out..not to mention i was completely stupid and lost my check card..wasted an hour looking for it and couldnt find it..went to the bank to report it missing before i left and had to have a new one ordered..i have no idea where its at and i checked every place i could think of where i might have put it..i remembered the last time i used it and i know i put it back in my car and then couldnt find it when i needed it..and it all around sucked big time..and most places dont take an out of town check..although it is fun writing a check to myself to be cashed at the bank..felt incredibly stupid for losing it in the first place when im usually so good at making sure i put it away so i dont lose it...so now i have to wait until i get the new one and im not even sure if its coming to sc or nc becasue i changed my address..all thats left is waiting and hoping it comesw here so i dont have to wait for mommy to send it to me

all the issues aside it was a nice trip home for the most part..spent the weekend with riley and harris and harris still comepletely takes over the bed when he shares it with me..i think he was glued to my side the whole night and we went to the movies and to the book store..talked to riley about bunches of stuff..cant believe he just turned 10! ive really been watching them for forever..dee is still postivie ill be moving back at some point so i can keep babysitting but soon they iwll be to old for babysitters anyway...so cool i got to see them..it was fun seeing my teachers and they all asked about my job and how i was liking it and when i was going to be doing grad school and when i was coming back to visit again...wont be until may but still it was nice seeing them...yvonne may be working at talisman this summer for a little while if she can..we went to lunch and shopping and to raliegh hence the 2 hour drive in the wrong direction...but it was fun..spent the night at her boyfriends house..and then we came back the next morning..and i hung around campus for a little while and found out i couldnt find my check card, went to the bank and then headed home...long weekend but not horrible i guess..and i guess i better get ready if i want to make it over to see henry before its dark and i completely want to miss the rush hour traffic ..it was horrible yesterday!