sucky mood

ok not really in a sucky mood but just kinda been off today..had weird dreams last night bordering on being really creepy and i just gave up sleeping and woke up and cut..did try to do something else but writing came after..i was fine this morning and it really does suck that cutting so still works at calming me down..but after a couple hours i just kept drifting off and i was less than talkative today with everyone..didnt want to be bothered but i had to stop myself all day from asking for a hug from jim...just feeling a lot disconnected right now..but it did snow for like 15 mins here! while we were in the office before we got off..but its stopped now and the sun has come back out and its just kinda boring again..dont know what im doing tonight yet..prolly not going anywhere since i really do need to stop spending money..hmm dreams since they have been on my mind and since im already thinking of a million things maybe writing them all out again might be helpful..writing this morning wasnt helpful much..so..umm one dream was about a girl, a teenager because when i started it i know it was going to be about something completely different..so 14yr old..who is going and babysitting for this family and they are really nice and supportive and safe..like everything a family should be..well things change and the relationship between the girl and the dad just gets kinda not ok..hmmgirl goes home and her parents are arguing and she happens to get into the middle of it and is really beat up..leaves and goes back to the family she babysits for but doesnt say what happened and just kinda stays with them..for as safe as the family feels to me all of it is wrong in the worst way since they are using this girl for sex pretty much..but its done in a way that almost makes it seem ok...got tired of that dream and it changed to something else..ive only dreamed about a teacher once before and even then it really creeped me out..i was at a huge party type thing..it made me think of like new years festival stuff..tons of ppl..tons of lights..nia was there and i watched her preform with a bunch of other ppl..saw some other preformances that i dont really remember and then this lady came and was doing an act..and it really looked like she was ice skating..kinda cool in a way..and all of a sudden i get this message from my teacher that she wished i could have come and hung out with her and her girlfriend..and i dont know how or why or when i got that message but i just knew i had it..and when i look up my teacher comes out and joins in the ice skating thingy and thats all fine and it ends when they kiss..problem would be i was almost to the point of believing this whole thing but then i remembered my teacher is married and has kids..im fairly certain shes not a lesbian and i dont get how or why i thought up any of it..just really threw me off because i had enough stuff on my mind without throwing my teachers into it..im not really sure how to procress any of it..so pretty much just woke up creeped out and couldnt really calm down at all..cut..had an argument with myself that i wrote down for some reason..and then got up and everything was ok..lasted most of the day before my arm started bothering me enough to go and really look at them and see what i had done..not bad..not noticeable unless im in shortsleeves or at the doctor and since it snowed today im sure that wont be happening any time soon..not sure if i feel guilty about any of it yet but that will set in later or tomorrow...found out i may be off on thursday and that will really help out a lot if i am..but we have to work on sunday if we are off thursday..sooo will see how it goes..things are feeling incredibly rotten and off in the world of me right now..not really sure of what my boundaries are now that im back to working so closely with ppl again..i want a hug but im afraid to be touched..i worry that in the nci training tomorrrow i wont handle being touched when we have to practice the restraints..will see i guess..