interesting..or not

well besides being completely broke and well just completely broke things are alright in a weird off the wall way..ive just decided that it is really an interesting road i am on like i suddenly have this set goal for things i want to do and things i want to get done without a time frame..i wonder about the people who make the lists of things they want to do before they die..and i dont know because i dont have a list and if i had one i wouldnt know at all what i wanted to put on it or what i wanted to put in it ...nothing really i want to do until its right there looking at me and then i can decide what i want to do and if i can talk myself into it or out of it..like until over the summer i never would have thought i wanted to even try white water rafting but i did it and loved it..went hiking and didnt love it but i know i can do it..went rock climbing and got covered in paint more times that prolly safe..and overall it was a lot of fun..but then i really have to wonder if i would have ever decided to do any of them had i not been at camp..i dont know what i want to do and i keep thinking about it like some ideas will come to me and i will figure out what it is i have to do or what it is im supposed to do..went as planned to greenville today because i cant stay on a topic for long..went and signed the lease and everything for my apartment..its offical and it really sucks that i ended up with a different one than they orginally started off telling me i had because ive been writing mail with that address on it and then i find out ok im not getting that apartment and if someone like actually answers to that address how in the world will it get to me if i cant check it there? so no idea how that will work out and if no one lives in that apartment then ill never like get the letters at all..although because of time frames i guess no one will mail me at that one before i tell them it has changed..i just hate being told one thing and then finding out when i get there that its not like that and its not how its going to be at all..had to pay more than i was planning on too and that sucked..and now on top of everything i have to go home tomorrow night and mommy is not happy about that at all..first i get yelled at for trying to drive home in the middle of the night after working all day and then going to a dinner party..because ill have to drive tomorrow a lot and then a lot on saturday..and there isnt a really good way to just work it out other wise..i knew before hand i would be driving alot and not sleeping alot becaus this has to get done and there is no way around it at all..but she tells me i shouldnt drive alone and htat someone should go with me and i just start worrying more about everything..im not that confident with my driving as it is and then she come along and just tells me i pretty much suck and dont know what im doing and i dont need to drive at night alone..ive been driving here fine..ran a few red lights but overall fine..and i cant get comfortable at all because illjust go home and get stuck inthe car with her and completely screw up and just become like the worse driver on the face of the earth..so all of it sucks and not to mention i didnt pay the deposit for dusti because i couldnt and now i really have no idea what to do about her..mommy said pretty much that she cant keep her..and its like ok fine where can i put her? no idea what to do about her yet..im not liking the real world much right now at all..all of it is about money that i dont have at all and it sucks because i cant do anything or get anything..funny how i have to go home tomorrow without having any extra gas money at all..did give in and ask erika if she would go home with me and she said she would think aout it..i kinda dont want her to go but i asked just because..wasnt really expecting her to say yes at all..if she goes fine..if not no big deal..dont really want her to have to put up with mommey for a whole two days anyway..still having weird dreams..lasted was being told i couldnt do the direct deposit thing because i didnt pay my bills..still completely playing with the idea of not going back to therapy..and i really really think that just being away and knowing i dont have to do what anyone tells me went to my head incredibly fast..a lot of it is still being afraid and just not wanting to have to go and share with anyone else ever again..but some of it is just rebellion at its fullest because i can and there is like nothing that can be done to stop it until i say something about it..and im pretty sure it wont last much longer but for its short time span it has been just a little bit fun..but the fun will wear off and i will be back to completely worrying about what it will take to keep myself alive..got around to asking my teacher some vague questions about therapy and she of course turned around and asked what i thought about it and what is scaring me about going back to therapy...not sure i can answer that right now..not sure i can ever answer that ..but since ill think about it no stop and talk to myself in the car on the way home i guess ill have tofigure it out at somepoint..because when i was being completely logical on the bus yesterday it all pretty much came down too that i need to have that person there to just listen and not judge when i sit down and say i want to cut after like 20 mins of not talking about anything..worry to much about telling the people i work with and really did battle hard with myself to not turn around and show jim my arm yesterday when we did the restraint training yet again..so what i decide i dont know...did find out im not eligible for insurance for like 3 months..so i cant like kill myself before then..aand after that as long as im with talisman or aspen im covered..and this is a completely legit way and its not like mommy is afraid im going to kill myself so she put me back on health insurance for a little while..dont like doing the crisis training at all though..completely sucked being elbowed in the arms with my arms so sore..i think all the cutting ive done lately to the insides of my arms have just killed my muscles there..ive prolly ruined some of the muscles in my legs too and upper arms..never really thought about it until yesterday when suddenly just having pressure put on my arms was really too much..so yet one more stupid thing i can say ive done to myself that i didnt count on happening..and since im taking up way to much time in the office and sam and addy are trying to sleep ill go to bed now in the cold swamp