jobs and stuff

its been an interesting few days...i left on new years day as planned to head up to zirconia and i actually made the 6 and a half hour trip alone and got here in one piece...driving a long distance like that is kinda really lonely after a while and there was no one for me to talk to but myself..so i just kinda entertained myself while i drove and stopped when i was getting way to tired..but overall the drive wasnt bad at all..charlotte kinda weirded me out because i was going through the city and there was traffic and it like just really slowed down in general..but i made good time all the same..its fun driving on the highway and when i go long distances i just kinda notice when cars starts sticking together ... i was kinda one of the fast ones and a few of us just stuck close for a good while..it was fun switching lanes and seeing whats cars were following me and going my speed..i prolly got off easy with not getting pulled over for speeding so much but i do stop when i get to like 15over well slow down at least for a little while and go the actual speed limit..but i made the trip and i can add it to my list of things ive done with driving..and im in zirconia as i have been for the past few days..when i got here only a couple people were here and they were just the office people but it was nice chatching up with them..the next day more ppl showed up and linda and jon came..that night taylor and erika came from the holiday trip and we had pizza and beer...funny i went out to buy beer with my boss on the first day of the job..but linda is a lot of fun and in a way she has become like a parent ...shes the director but kinda has to take care of everyone and make sure everyone is doing what they are supposed to be doing..ive been out to buy beer with her and ive taken bites out of all of her candy and put it back in the box with erika..ive asked her a million times about amillion different things and she just goes with whats going on..but ive been working with two of the other actually staff ppl and we get along..i do feel a bit left out that they already know each other really well but we still get along so that is good..i found out im going to be working with jim and he was here over the summer so i know him but we were in different programs but i liked him so im sure it wil be fine..im learning more about the program in general and whats going to be expected of me ..and it doesnt seem hard but its just like everything has to be on schedule and written down..its going to be more laid back than actual camp but we are still following the same guidlines kinda..when we go on our trips we are going to be camping there..i cant believe i actually thought of hotels! but camping is alright and it will be fun..im going to fla twice and once to the fla keys and we get time off down there..im going to the outerbanks and on the backpacking trip..the other side of the staff is doing the 2 fla trips and going to sc..training isnt really hard or anything..alot of it is learning more about aspergers and learning more about the program...a lot of cleaning and moving stuff around..its kinda cool being the first set of staff that will be starting this program here..we are going to write the staff manual as we go along..we are going set up rules and more indepth stuff as we go along and problems come up..a lot of the paper work i didnt have to redo since i was just up here over the summer and that was really good..im praticing driving with erika and trying hard to get more comfortable with driving up here and relearning my way around..we are going to asheville on saturday and down to look at my apartment or the way to my apartment on sunday..i went to asheville last night with a bunch of the staff for dinner at a vegetarian resturant and what i got was ok just not for me..im learning now just how not a good idea it was for me to become a vegetarian in the first place..it wasnt a good idea for me at all..not done for the right reasons either..so its like everyones goal to get me eating vegetables..and i ate half a carrot and then a baby carrot today and it was really quite painful..so now ill have to get around to telling everyone one else at some point..something as simple as being a vegetarian or not and i worry about disappointing someone ..it really has nothing to do with anyone else but i still worry ..its a lot of cleaning stuff and today we got to steam clean the carpets in the office and emptying the steam thingy was the grossest thing ever! i never want to steam clean a carpet for as long as i live..but tracey came by today and it was good seeing her too..im nervous with starting the program for real on the 15th..its not really the planning or teaching part that worries me i just worry about if ill be able to handle being here and doing a good job..ever since i got here ive wanted to cut and its been really hard not doing it..i have razors with me and its really just i dont want to look for them and i dont want to hurt..not really..but im having a lot of trouble getting the thoughts out of my head completely...being back is really good and i feel safe in some ways up here..accepted i guess but still it kinda feels like im lying to all of them because i havent told me as much as i could about myself or asked for help when i needed it..but im not alone all the time either, ive spent a lot of time lately with erika since she is here and like we had dinner again with arran tonight..and i like them but i get errally nervous when it comes to talking about anything really personal and just kinda dont do it...today when we were going over some of the information about working with the kids and we were talking about behaviors i just started wondering if i could really deal with someone elses behavior when i cant even handle my own correctly..and i just stress myself out worrying about everything and going over endless questions in my head about every little thing that will never ever matter to anyone else..but if i asked myself if i would go back and not accept the job i dont think i would change any of what ive done...i like being here and i like working here..i guess a lot of it is just a lot of nerves about all the new stuff and all the changes still going on..im really hoping i will calm down and find an even level or something soon..i just get over being sad about everything..and talking to mommy everyday and having her constantly question me about money makes it worst..because it just adds on to the other things i already worry about and i knew what the pay would be and its fine for me..for what im doing..starting out its ok..each year it will go up like every other job..over the summer it will go up because of how long ive been here..ill have health insurance and all this stuff but its still jut about money with her and it keeps me on edge..i dread having to call her and talk to her about nothing and knowing it wouldnt matter if i had anything to say at all..being here with some people i know and some i dont still makes me feel incredibly lonely..i dont know though..im really back to questioning the therapy thing and if i have to go back or if i need to go back now that im out..i make it sound like i was in the hospital or something and most of it is prolly just me being really scared of starting over..and time frames and just worrying about everything..because i am still suicidal i know i need to have someone else to talk too but going and getting started again just doesnt interest me at all..i have been writing in a different journal because im not online a lot and its hard finding enough empty free time to just sit and wirte like i normally do and so a lot of what i think just stays in my head...not a good thing at all because i wont have a way to think anything out completely because i wont give myself a break..maybe its just because everyone seems so normal and pulled together and i just cant figure out what it is i want to do..on one hand im doing ok with being here and staying in the swamp..i really miss dusti with all the dogs around here ..i like the dogs but im such a cat person..and dusti would be eaten alive here with the bunches of strays that are hanging around..i will be really glad to have an apartment though and im seeing that now..i like being here but being able to leave and know i have somewhere to go makes me feel better too..i want to be able to leave and know ill have an apartment with my own stuff and my own space and dusti..hardly there or not i just cant see staying with someone else and just being in someone elses house..im happy with my new place ..if it ever stops raining ill take pictures..its weird being able to really see the seasons change..its not snowing but its cold..but the trees are bare..and looking at the tree lines going up the mountain and remembering how green everything used to be is a shocker..i actually have to wear two shirts to keep from freezing my butt off and a jacket..today i had on two jackets just because of the rain and i really dont like being wet..i started reading this book..and its called umm but inside im screaming..ive finished over half of it already and i started it a few hours ago..and i can relate to it so much and of course tthats prolly why the therapy stuff si back in my head..i wonder if i would be put on meds if i went back..and i know i can say no to them and i would because i dont want to take anything and i for as much as i dont care about what happens to me i know i dont need to have meds just hanging around at all..thats just asking for me to do something really stupid in a big way..lots of things to wonder about and i guess ill never find out about it until i actually make the decision to go..but i dont know..so lots going on..a lot of different stuff..and im trying hard to be okay with all of it and not freak out big time