hmm

somehow im managed to get my computer to hook into the wireless networks that are floating around..and its really weird when i tried picking up the networks when i got here and it didnt work at all..but still i really do hate the random finding and hooking into the internet because the connections go in and out so much and its compeltely nerve wrecking..so im writing this now in hopes that i will reconnect and be able to post this and then i wont feel so disconnected maybe

i havent really been writing much at all lately..cant get online and havent really wanted to write in any of my other journals..did think about painting last night but didnt just went to sleep instead..i thnk i spent my first two real days off sleeping on and off for the better part of two days..but feeling more awake now and calmer in some ways..no real idea as to whats been going on since i cant remember whats ive talked about and what i havent..im not even sure what im thinking about saying at all..

moving..moving sucked so so so so much..mommy didnt like that i was going to be driving home alone in the middle of the night and proceeded to tell me my niece drove her car off a cliff..accident but it was snowing and she lost control..shes fine and made it back to school but it just annoyed me that she tells me this kknowing i ha ve to drive home ..i prayed it wouldnt rain or snow before i had to leave..and since it was a friday i had to work and then i had a dinner i had to go too..and then i left after me and erika got completely lost on the way back to camp..i did ask erika if he would go and i just asked to ask because i wasnt expecting her to say yes..i didnt want her to say yes..i like being by myself in the car for long drives because well its easier to talk to myself that way! but im more comforta ble driving alone anyway..sucked horribly when i was just starting and so tired and not wanting to drive..i wasnt paying attention well at all and was speeding horribly and it still took almost 6 and a half hours to get home..i think i stopped caring after a while and just drove..the second 2 and a half hours werent so bad since iw was more awake and not minding the drive so much..made it home...around 3:30 in the morning..woke up around 8:30 the next morning and starting packing all the stuff i had at mommys house..wayne and his friend were talked into helping and we went to my school apartment and spent oh 3 or so hours getting all my s tuff..that quickly turned into a rush to get it done and get everything out as fast as possible and it was really hard because a lot of it wasnt even packed in the first place..i was trying to pack and tell them what was mine and what wasnt and mommy kept getting annoyed because i wasnt going fast enough..and i didnt want her to help because of all the stuff i had all over the palce..i made sure and picked up the razors i had on the floor as soon as i got there but pulling other stuff out made me find more of them and i all the other stuff i had that needed to get put away in something that couldnt be opened..i drove with mommy and actually drove to greenville..mommy didnt like my driving and decided i had driven enough and should take a break less than an hour after we left my school apartment to head across the state..yea and for as bad as my driving supposedly is hers is worse..she freaking feel asleep and almost ran into the back of a car and still didnt let me drive..so whatever..i let dusti out of her crate in the car and she sat on my lap for little bits of time and walked all over the back of the car when she wasnt with me..she kept trying to climb in mommys lap while she was driving and i had to move her..but all the same we made it to sc and got all my stuff unloaded and unloading a truck goes much much quicker than loading one...mommy of course immediatly started putting stuff away and it got on my nerves really fast but i was way to tired to bother with it much since it was almost 12 and it had been a really really long day..they all spent the night and mommmy got my bed and dusti of course walks all over my bed..mommy didnt like that at all and she didnt like that dusti cried almost all night while everyone was trying to sleep..and i kept getting up to make sure she wasnt walking on the bed or getting on anyone and ended up not really sleeping at all..so moving is way at the top of my list of things to never do and never have to do in 24 hrs...went to work on sunday and got to move beds and clean the cabins and all the stuff i had no energy for we were stuck with doing..the cabins arent even finished..they have heat but its like half insulated and only one side and there arent really lights and all this stuff and the parents still left there kids there! we have 7 kids..6 boys, 1 girl..most of them are ok..some are not..first day and already we know who needs to be kept apart and who we have to watch and stuff..i started the campfire and that was fun..accidently threw my marshmellow into the fire and no idea how i managed to do that..but the camp fire itsself was really fun with all of the kids a nd staff there and we were just relaxing and having fun..took sticks from the kids cas i kept losing mine and wouldnt go and get my own so that was cool..but since ive been off for the past 3 days im kinda bored..and alone but more bored than anything..finsihed a harry potter book in less than 24 hrs..did get all my stuff pretty muhc unpacked and put away ..going to do laundry tomorrow some times and the then back to work on saturday and we leave for fla next week too..kinda ready to see how things have gone..all ready i worry about whats been going on and if they are all ok, even the kids who annoyed me horribly..guess thats just me..but my apartment is actually looking rather ok..still things i need but overall not bad..my closet is huge and still completely full of clothes! if i hadnt given away all the ones i did i wouldnt have had room for all of them..and all arent even hung up because oof what im taking back and forth to work in and stuff..tons of clothes..got a remote today for my tv and spent the day playing video games and watching movies..went to the store too..a few stores and discovered im across the street from an ice cream place..so i stopped and had ice cream today..its freezing outside and i stop for ice cream..mommy has been putting some money in my account and its like borrowing money from her comes at such a high price..i could sell my soul and get off easier..yea i need it and it helps but then i have to hear about how shes giving all her money to me and blah blah blah and that when i start getting paid ill have to give it back..and its like ok not cool considering it will take me a couple months to get everything squared away that i need too..so i dont know how any of that will work out..and all of it sucks really..its not even like ive gone and spent my money on stuff i didnt need..all of it has gone into apartment stuff and its all gone..things are kinda ok and kinda not at the same time..im ok enough to work just because i am but at the same time i can feel myself jhust getting sadder and sadder without being able to stop it..a lot of it prolly has to do with that i stopped writing oh for the past week or so when normally i can figure out something to write a million times a day..some of it i dont know..considered purging yesterday and didnt because that kinda scares me..walked around in shorts today and comtemplated where in the world im going to get a tattoo at and why i even what one when theres no where to put it..ive looked and relooked at all my scars and hate them..so it could all just boil down to the same old stuff i usually freak about..i should find something new to freak about just to give myself something to do..thought about cutting today after looking at my arms for the 50th million time tonight..watched some movies i shouldnt have bothered with knowing i wasnt in the greatest mood..and now im just waiting to get tired so i can go to bed..this is the latest ive been up in days and its kinda weird..prolly being on line has something to do with that..but after i write this and hope it goes through im going to bed anyway..kinda slowoly learning my way around sc..well the area i need to be around anyway..kinda know my way to and from asheville and hendersonville..so maybe im ok..the other thing im going back and forth on is the therapy issue and i havent decided what im going to do about it yet..or when or how or anything..i cant even get around deciding if i want to go or is it i just have to go..there is a difference in there somewhere..ive never wanted to go and if it was left up to me i wouldnt go back..and after i finish thinking that i realize how stupid it is and how i wouldnt get away with it for long..simply because i still want to cut and purge and die whatever..i had cut but im not suicidal..got close to purging but didnt..im not big on time frames or anything but its like schedule wise im kinda booked and then have huge spans of empty times..most of feb im not even working towards the end of feb and then in march it seems like im always working..because of the trips..job will be pretty much over before insurance kicks in and its like ok why bother at all..i could be perfectly fine with everything and never have to go back and im thinking i just like the idea of saying i never have to go back if i dont want too..and before i left arran i was almost positive i would immediatly go back to therapy..hmm ok maybe not immediatly but by the end of january i would have known what i was going to do..didnt realize at all that i would just let the idea of not having to go run wild and now cant decide what im going to do..since its just me doing it i want to say i can take my time amd go when im ready..but saying ill go when im ready could like 6 months down the line and then what? i have no idea what my mood will be like in 6 months ..i dont even know what ill be like tomorrow! so still thinking about it without really deciding anything at all..just thinking to think and worrying about not being able to decide..so once again nothing new at all..it wouldnt take much thought at all to figure me out..guess im done complaining for the night