at a loss

ive had a lot of trouble focusing today and i dont know why..ive been fidgety all day long and ive had two or more of the binder clip things in my pocket to play with..i worry im annoying ppl when im constantly messing with them..im going to have to find something quieter to play with..jim came today and of course he saw me and gave me the best hug ever..its really nice having him up here and just being able to talk to him again..but i also found out today that he is sick..like big time sick and i dont know how to deal with it..my first thought is ok i really want to pity him and feel sorry for him but this is jim and i know him and he wouldnt want me to do that either..i keep telling myself again and again that it wont change things but i feel like it has and maybe its just short term while i figure out what i think about it..i mean i dont have a problem working with him..its good he trusted me enough to even tell me..and i think a lot of what im feeling really has nothing at all to do with him as usual..ive taken what i was told and just ran with it..sat outside thinking about everything for a really long time..some about him and some about me..like he just walks in and after a few hours just tells me, jon and anna this huge issue in a way..and i just started to feel really guilty..i know it will take a litlte getting used to but i like him still and i still feel completely safe with him and i dont wnat that to change..i just dont know what exactlyis good to tell him about me and what i do..for some reason i dont think he would judge me at all but just him knowing would make me freak and i would worry he would just stop talking to me or start looking at me weird or something and i really dont want that..i hate thinking that ive somehow disappointed or freaked someone out because of the cutting and b/p and burning and not eating and just a general not liking myself kinda stuff..its not fair..and i dont know what i want to do or how to even go about doing it..with everyone im still completely the quiet one although i try hard to be as helpful as i can and as open to what we are doing as i can..and still im unnaturally quiet with everyone..jon knows me enough to know that he needs to literally call on me to get me to volunterr information..and its also a way to get me to focus when my head is a million miles away and im just sitting there staring into space..and maybe everything just seems hard now because we are still just getting started and kinda still in the planning stages with stuff..maybe im trying to process way to much stuff at once and so im not getting any of it..maybe im just realy starting to get scaredabout everything not working out and i dont know how to fix anything..maybe ive been fidgeting all day to kill the i want to cut thoughts..im going to work with jim and thats fine and all and i know ill be there for him if he needed me or when he needed me..but who exactly will be there for me when i cant handle anything anymore? who will even notice when im starting to rreally stress out about stuff and know that i need to be by myself for a little while? maybe its a good thing im so used to just hiding all of it and dealing with it alone or letting it go as far as it can and then trying to fix it..and then cutting comes in..im pretty sure i wouldnt throw up here just because i dont really like any of the bathrooms and there are just too many chances of getting caught..but cutting is easy..burning even easier..theres an ice machine here that is my new best friend and not for burning but because ive been eating a lot of ice again..i dont think my iron levels get up much at all anymore..but i have most of my razors with me in bags all over the place.i have one in my planner that i rarely use now..i dont really want to use them but i have them..ok i do want to use them but im trying hard not too..ive been looking at my arms lately and wondering when someone is going to really notice al the scars that have faded up but can still be seen if you are looking for them..or the new ones on my legs that i work so hard to keep covered and to not scratch at once it does start getting hotter..so i dont know...just really confused right now...ready to cry really because i cant figure anything out