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figured writing here is better than nothing...weird how much it can be a struggle to be okay when everything seems so messed up..went out with erika again tonight and it really did help with my mood..being together so much lately has been inexpected and kinda good cas we have kinda learned little things about each other..went to do laundry, and got dinner and looked at movies..listened to the chicago soundtrack millions of times..we get along pretty good..

still really confused about all the other stuff..not thinking about really doesnt make it go away at all.just kinda gets lost in the shuffle adn then as soon as im not moving around or busy anymore it all comes back..maybe im just really worried for no reason..it really could be as simple as just talking to jim and seeing what he says but what i do and what he has are two different things..im just really worried if i start saying well i cut he wont like me anymore..i think maybe ill always have to wonder about what ppl will think of me if they knew i cut ..without really knowing why or even understanding any thingabout it.i just think everyone would just assume i was crazy or something..adn its not even really like that considering i just graduated and i have a job and all of this stuff..but still the big thing is that i cut and that will always overshadow everything..no matter how much good stuff i might happen to do ill still just be a cutter..no real way around it i guess and it really sucks..im not a bad person right? great i pick now to really question whether im a bad person or not..and what i think really doesnt change anything either..im just back to feeling really ashamed of all of it..not a really big deal if i need it or not..because i guess i could get by without but maybe i like it..maybe i hate it i dont know..either way its not easy to give up..im sure i can give it up..i really do wonder what would happen to me if i stopped completely..i wouldnt feel real anymore..im not sure i would feel anything anymore..so i dont know..