trapped

i need to write and ive been having trouble getting my thoughts together to even figure out what i want to write...but after yesterday i know that i need to write or else i will end up burning myself..or throwing things..you know having one of those melt downs that i swear to never ever have...yeah its gotten to that point..and it litterally happened overnight...

im trying .. to figure out job stuff and money stuff and everything and im getting no where..i have a sorta job but no way of getting there...and that makes me feel so stupid and tired...im afraid of the buses and dont really have the money anyway to ride...with getting the internet and cable set up ..money that i needed for bills has been takken out of my account and tramaine hasnt given me her half yet...and so now im super low on rent money and have nothing to go towards the electric bill at all and i just want to bang my head on the wall....i finally talked to mommy yesterday about maybe renting me a car for a little while...and that when i start getting paid then i can go and pay myself but right now i dont have the income..to do a damn thing with and i just want to cry and scream and just do something that hurts..to punish myself in some way..because again this is a situation that i have gotten myself into and now im stuck and cant get out of it...

i dont like feeling trapped..and i think that is what has triggered a lot of this..not knowing how i am going to get places...figuring out im afraid of the buses..being stuck at home and dependent on tramaine to go anywhere...in an emergency i will walk to dollar general but that is not a daily thing...everything is getting to me...i want my apartment back..im sick of having extra people here...tramaine had better not ever say anything to me about not letting someone come and stay and she had better not say a damn thing if i ever invite anyone to stay....2 or 3 weeks has become more than a month and a half ... and just someone in my space is getting to me...simple fact that i am paying the rent and bills and what not and someone else has been here for how long and is paying nothing or helping to pay anything and it pisses me off...maybe i am just being mean..but i dont think so...ive been nice..ive been accommodating ...and now i want my damn apartment back....we were barely here a month before she moved in her cousin...and she i am getting angry about it...im trying not to ..but i am...i dont like it..its bothering me...and im even more annoyed that her girlfriend comes and stays too...

yes i am epically pissed off at ever single thing right now...i am .. and i dont mean to be ..but i am..i cant go anywhere..i cant do anything..im fucking trapped in my apartment and i want to just get out ..and go somewhere...anywhere...ok so i want to go to sarah but she is struggling right now to with some different things and i guess me and my bad mood shouldnt be bothering her either...

i just dont know what to do..im stuck in so many ways and see no way of getting out of any of them...ive been worrying so much about the bills and things and i dont know what im going to do...i cant exactly go ask nia to borrow 100 dollars...they are about to go out of town..so no..i will wait it out i guess..since i have no other choice...mommy would be happy anyway...no money for food means that ill lose weight..yay me...i will keep silent about the current issues ... and just try to get through the day...there is nothing else i can do...

of the three ppl living here tramaine is the only one with a paycheck coming in for at least the next couple weeks...she didnt go and buy food yesterday...so i guess its silly to expect her to put food in the house ...for now anyway..sometimes she borrows some of her sisters food stamps and then we are able to go shopping a little bit...but no...i dont mind ...i can convince myself of almost anything...so why should this situation be any different...the little bit of money i did have...is now gone and because of that i dont have enough for rent and so yes my anxiety is going through the roof ...im worrying and stressing and trying to plan all day every day....i cant find a solution and im tired of asking to borrow money just to survive..maybe surviving isnt that important anyway..ive tried...for the past year ive tried and tried and tried and still i am facing an unknown situation ... and its my fault..so maybe i should just call it quits...stop trying ..give up completely...i cant keep doing this...i cant keep struggling and fighting and trying...i dont want to keep having conversations about how i owe mommy so much and i cant even get it together enough to figure any damn thing out..i just freak out and worry..and find no answers...and so i am stuck..trapped in more ways than one..and just feeling triggered nonstop...there is no escape anymore...all there is to do is smile and bear it and keep my mouth shut...i have to take care of taji and bounce first anyway...so i still come in second...ill always be second i guess...

if i cant eat then maybe ill just sleep...keep my problems to myself...shut up and get through the day..that is all there is to do..until i figure out a way to die of course..but that will just take more planning and i dont have the energy for that right now...so ill suffer...and keep suffering and just some how get through each day...somehow... maybe ill just hide out for a bit...i dont know...