just..

trying hard...dont feel happy or safe or even remotely able to do anything productive right now...scared for the cats if i am not here...i have to figure out how to get to work..im trying to make things work or manage but i dont want to be here..and im not even completely sure what i mean by that...this has been such a crappy year..i just want to cry...ive been uip for a while i guess..thinking..trying to think..trying to figure out what to do..mom and sister are trying hard to figure out the car situation...mommy may be a lot of things ..and yes im gonna owe her big ..more than big if she does manage to borro w the money to get a used car for me...but her and my sister were supportive yesterday...mommy actually told me that i dont desrve to be yelled at like that..im so embarrased that my sister was on the phone when it started and heard..i keep feeling as if i need to defend myself..try to fix this ..i dont know..i dont want to fix this..i am feeling hurt and betrayed...yet another disappointment...how am i going to afford the rent here..what is going to happen if i get evicted again...i just moved..yeah..im just going to go and lay back down for a while..