cant process

today has been one of those days that has left me feeling empty..and drained...im so very ashamed to say that i was scammed..paid the guy and he didnt show up today..i feel so stupid..so hurt...i started crying and couldnt stop...called my supervisor in tears..told her i couldnt get to work..mommy called me and i just picked up the phone ..and was still crying ..so she got the story..and all of that..she demanded i give her tramaines number..so that she could ask tramaine if she would take me to work...and against all of my better judgement..and after telling her no..she got tramaines number and actually called her...skip ahead about 20 mins...ive calmed down..and entered into no mans land..i went and got a knife out of the kitchen...the same one i used the last time i cut..and i got  shaver...i was looking for the hammer to break it apart when my office called and said that they would be sending someone to pick me up and take me to work...i call to tell mommy that and she of c ourse informs me that she has talked to tramaine and that she said she would come and get me..tramaine can home before i left..and proceeded to yell at me..told me i was selfish, mean, and that i needed to grow up..she said that i was mean to her...that if i was upset with her that i needed to get over it..that she hadnt left me stranded..that she had been waiting for me to call...so on and so forth..before she even started she told me that she would hurt my feelings..i let her say her piece..i went into obident mode...she said i was whatever and i agreed..it didnt matter...i am selfish..worthless..mean..stupid.i said i was...later on tonight i apologized for being mean.and hurting her feelings because thats what i was supposed to do...that is what was expected..she said i wasnt giving enough..that she doesnt owe me money...and the thing that tramaine doesnt seem to understand is that yes i can hold a grudge..and that when i am scared and waiting and have been let down then i will freak out..and if i want to talk to my sister or sarah or whoever then that is my option..not hers...i dont need conversations being passed along to tramaine because that is a trigger..not being able to trust that i am safe if someone is listening to my conversations..and passing them along...tramaine doesnt understand that mommy controls everything and i told her that i didnt ask mommy to call her..that i did give her the number but still told her not to call...so i was pretty much a mess..i hid the knife under my pillow and left to go and wait for my ride...i just thought while i was waiting..thinking and planning and plotting and just sad and very very hurt...i didnt really want to be at work..i was tired ..worn out...angry and depressed...i was ..i am sick of everyone managing to hurt me ..and so i planned to hurt myself...i dont care..i still dont care...and i realize that i am heading into suicidal zone....very very close to the edge..i still have the knife..its not in my bed.but its close..i need it...i need protection..i need to be able to stay calm...no one cares ... and i am feeling so very alone..im screwing up..i keep screwing up and im getting so tired of having to keep fighting..having to keep trying when i just want to give up...ive cried and cried and cried..ive tried to stay safe..ive been more withdrawn and upset and easily irritated...and im not even sure i can explain why..im overwhelmed..and stressed out to the max...i dont want to do this anymore...i really dont ...