anxiety...

right now i am freaking out...trying not to but as the time continues to move..all i can do is worry and stress and think...

suddenly im again possibly looking at being homeless..at not being able to keep the cats..no way to work..no way home..im frustrated and upset and trying hard to keep it together..

my roommate threatened my cats..im afraid to leave them here...im afraid to not be able to watch them and kknow they are safe...right now i have no idea how i will be getting to work or anything for tomorrow...what will happen...how will anything work out...i may end up having to go home i guess over the weekend...if something can be worked out for a car...if not a will have to get a rental...i cant depend on her...

nia was on the phone when she decided to blow up earlier this morning and i tried to be calm and let it go but im on the damn phone with my sister and in the bathroom no less and being yelled at because taji is in the bathroom with me...but pretty much she said that she will be looking into seeing if she can get out of the lease i guess...im dirty and selfish and rude and dont clean up and my room is messy and she yelled to my sister while i was on the phone that i dont clean...and then it just all went to hell after that...because at a point i started to yell back at her..told her she was rude..told her to just leave if she didnt want to be here...ok a couple things..one she knew i had the cats before we ever moved in together...she knew i was messy again before we ever actually moved in together...i told her things about myself that she is now throwing in my face..

anger, hurt, betrayal ... all of it...i dont like it..im so very hurt... i held it all in until i fuond out that i wouldnt be able to go in to work today..and then i started to cry..i wasnt able to hold it back anymore..im worried about everything...i really am...so disappointed that i missed work today...frustrated because so much is going on...on edge and wanting to hide and be quiet..and its like no..i pay to live here..im not going to hide out in my room..ive had the apartment to myself this evening...nothing to do..im not going to ruin her stuff or anything..im not that childish...but she is..and so i am worried about my stuff in the house..im worried about taji and bounce being safe..im just worried about everything..im afraid to put my food in the fridge because it may not be there later on...i got pizza...and now its like well what am i going to do with the rest of it...blah..

no i just dont feel safe...im embarrassed that my sister was on the phone when things happened this morning...so very ashamed...