need to calm down

overwhelmed and upset..i cant deal with things right now and the more hours that pass the more there is to deal with...im frustrated and upset and just trying hard to rein in how i am feeling ...

i came home this morning..and there is no food or water in taji and bounces bowls...ok that pissed me off...i come in and tramaine says that she is going to need to take me to work in a little bit because she has things to do...ok fine..i didnt say anything but ok..i changed my clothes..fed the cats and waited for her...an hour passes and she still isnt ready to leave...ok fine..im not doing anything but waiting for her...she comes in and says ok now im not leaving until 12...so i go to fix my last frozen pizza...and now im writing because i am upset and ready to once again cry..and im doing everything i can to hold in my tears and not cry...

mommy calls me..and i missed the call but i was dumb enough to call her back..and as usual..it was about my lak of a car..borrowing money..how much can i pay back..not saying its for me if she can borrow it because im supposed to doing well and im not ..and so now im looking at having to pay back even more money that i dont have..and i try to tell her i ant affford to have a 500 some dollar bill to pay back each pay period...god im down to making prolly less than 700 a pay period after taxes...what in the crap am i supposed to do for myself and my bills when ill be forced to give promise her money that i just dont have...i have to come up with some price that i can afford by monday...i cant even think this through all the way..im feeling trapped and stuck in a corner and i have to agree or not agree..i have to come up with something..anything..and i cant...i cant afford to keep having tramaine take me to work..im down to 80 dollars...which is maybe 4 more rides to work..i dont get paid until friday..and if mommy does manage to some how borrow the money and get me a car down there just from someone selling..then ill have to go there to get it..the only way to freaking get there is to ride the bus as mommy so nicely mentioned to me this morning..to come and get the car..and drive back to richmond..so then add in a bus ticket, gas, and getting the license plates or whatever...ok my bill is so far out of range i cant even see it anymore..but i have to come up with an answer...ill be struggling non stop until sometime next year..and i cant even say no.. because i have no way to get to work...i have no way to manage right now that is workable or even really affordable..so im stuck in so many ways...and i cant even get the slightest release of anything because im sitting at home and i really dont want to deal with tramaine telling me anything right now..

im paranoid enough without the help and i was coming home this morning and relized that i really dont feel safe here..i guess emotionally safe is what im talking about..i feel like im a visitor in my own apartment...i feel like im being talked about every time i walk in or do anything...and i say i dont care but my feelings are being so easily hurt..and im upset but i cant be upset..because im not supposed to be upset or cry..or stressed out...

but i am stressed out and i dont feel good and im trying to get so much worked out in my head and its all getting mixed up and i cant figure anything out..i really cant .. and i really just want to go to sleep..im tired of thinking .. im tired of worrying ..im tired of all of it...and if i could i would cry but no i cant do that either..so ill just sit quietly and wait until its time for me to go to work...there is nothing else i can do...