pulling up the past....

Yesterday was really hard...I went to therapy and left feeling just hurt and sad...talking about  the past just bring  up so many questions and there are no answers for them...I don't understand what I did to make her dislike me so much..to have her hurt me over and over and over...I deserved it I guess for being born..for killing my sister..for hurt in  others..for not being able to stand up for myself...for not saying no..And just for not knowing better...Anita asked me yesterday if we would have been taken had the first investigation found anything...And I told her no...I had no broken bones..the  bruises healed..there was nothing to see...but I  You watched long enough and listened would anyone have picked up on how I was always cleaning, always being yelled at..it didn't matter who was there because there was no protection anyway..I was just there and not there at the same time..My silence was all I had and no one could break through it..I couldn't let that happen..And so I was the bad one..the useless one..th  one threatened with being felt behind because I couldn't keep up...I had nothing because she managed to destroy it all..on whim..whenever she felt like it.. I thought I was good enough maybe at some point..but that is a thought that I haven't believed in year..why believe something I know  to be  untrue? Mommy has already told me that I'm to selfish for anyone to love me.. that im stupid..I don't know anything..every day..And no one could seem to understand why I never wanted to go home..why go home when that is a place I don't feel safe at..where I'm hurt on a regular basis..either with words or physically..I wasn't treated same..I was different in some way...somehow I was the target..Maybe because I couldn't fight back..Maybe it's because I knew better than to fight back...she won so long ago that I don't even remember when things really changed..I don't remember much of anything..And that just confuses me..half of my life is missing and I can't recall it..but now my life is ruled by fear..am I in trouble..am I hated..am I going to be hurt in some way...I know logically that Anita won't hurts birthday doesn't stop me from thinking it...I'm constantly looking for reassurance from Sarah that I  safe and that nothing will hurt me...m

Yesterday I left therapy upset and anxious...I was thinking to much
.questioning to many things..wondering what was wrong with me that now o am completely screwed up..And o was crying and sad and I messaged Sarah because I wanted to go home and be alone..but she got me.to come over to her place instead..And so I spent the evening with her..she was able to comfort me and calm my thinking and. Anxiety down..it tool a while and it ended up involving some physical stuff but it worked..she distracted me enough that I could think and focus. I was really confused about how I was feeling and I told her so..I mean I'm sitting there crying and upset and wanting to be comforted but my thinking and feelings gradually changed to wanting more from her physically ..I wanted to feel close to her ..connected to her in some way because I realize now that I wasn't feeling grounded at all..like my body or mind could not contain anything else and I was breaking apart...but she sat with me..let me cry..let me figure out what I needed from her at the time..And yeah in the process of her helping me get grounded I sort of lost various pieces of clothing.but surprisingly it did work...it did calm me down..And I was able to stop crying and talk to her.

Less than an hour later I had an issue with mommy that had me shaking I was so upset..it took longer to come back to reality with this issue..And I was trying hard to pick at my fingers because I wanted to cut..I inadvertently asked Sarah to let me cut..And she wouldn't..I'm sad that I was so upset and out of it that I asked that of her...it took longer to calm myself down this time and again it involved help from Sarah..help that she willingly have me..because I really think the first time I was going on pure instinct and needing something that I didn't understand fully...the second time was slightly different but had the same out come..it took longer for me to allow Sarah to comfort me the second time ... I was tense and shaking and agitated..
She was right though when she pointed out that I was upset with mommy and not her
.I think I was starting to turn my anger inward but somehow she got me to stop...before oleft her I told her I wouldn't cut and I didn't...I think my mood is still pretty low but it's not as bad as it was yesterday