the wall

Imagine....a small child ...sitting in an empty room...holding tightly to a box that contains memories..good..bad..sad ones...Just that each memory is placed inside this box..every day...eventually the child realizes that the box is dangerous..the box has become powerful in some way...so for protection..the box is taken away...placed behind a wall that cannot be penetrated by anything...the child continues to grow up and gradually forgets about the box that is behind the wall. The wall is very visible...the wall is protected...the wall fights against being broken down...the wall is there and there is no way around it..there is no way to get above or under it...And you can't go through it..the child has learned to fear the wall because it holds secrets and pain..as the child grew into adulthood she still fears the wall...the wall has become so full of secrets that it has grown into something that is almost life like..the wall can absorb feels and thoughts ..the wall is the only way to access the box that the child had forgotten about..Now the child has grown and become an adult ..suddenly realizing that something is wrong..something is missing...what happened to her as a child?? Why is life so hard to deal with now..she sees the wall and refuses to go near it..because fear has become a living thing..the girl is reminded that the wall is protecting her...but the girl tries to understand that the protection comes with a cost..And scenarios fighting against the walls power..the wall has become everything and nothing..blocking out the good and the bad..absorbing emotions and thoughts..filtering out words and thoughts..years continue to pass and the strength of the wall ebbs and flows..sometimes cracks appear but the girl becomes afraid and fixes the wall...sometimes locks appear and still the girl is afraid but tries to remove the locks and gives up in frustration...the wall continues to win..reinforced by people outside of her who continue to use and hurt her..the wall doesn't care where or who causes the secrets..it just protects them all...without all of her memories the girl is distrustful, afraid, quiet..the girl doesn't remember the before and can not handle the present..the wall has grown so much that sometimes it looks as if the wall will come tumbling down..breaking apart and releasing all of the hidden things..but in fear the girl continues to try to stop that from happening..And everything the cracks begin to appear  the girl tries hard to fix them...but over Time..things have slipped out of the wall..little thoughts..little bits of memory..words and stories and a life the girl doesn't remember..Now years later the girl is again standing at the wall...studying it..watching it..afraid of it...but this time there is a small difference..the girl is looking for a way in...a way through to the other side..it is not easy to study the wall..to know and understand what allowing the wall to break will mean...because suddenly the girl is a child again ..looking at this wall and wanting to run and hide away from it...the fear takes control and the girl busts cries in despair...she sits and thinks..facing away from the wall..trying to think  of a way to be safe while allowing the wall to come down. The child is concerned about what will happen if the wall falls..she wonders if she will break apart..if she will be able to live through the aftermath of the tide of whatever has grown behind the wall..the girl is sad and scared...afraid that she is sitting alone in front of a wall that is threatening to break down...the girl wonders if she will be able to live long enough to make it through what is to come...there are whispers and threats..promises of pain and punishment..if the rules are broken..if the wall comes down...there are obstacles to get past .. an understanding of what may happen...the doubt begins to win..And the girl is afraid to face what has been hidden for such a long time...but now the girl goes back and forth between child and adult..the girl lives with the fear and the adult carries the sadness of a life that has been lost for such a long time..the adult May understand why the wall must come down..but there are no instructions..the child wants the wall to stay in place..but the thoughts of death and pain comes while the wall is in place..what will come when it no longer there? When there is nothing to stop anything at all and there is no longer any protection..there are no clear answers or a safe way to manage any of it. The girl will die .that is how the story is supposed to end..the story was supposed to end years ago  And it hasn't yet..why hasn't  it ended?? There is no more fight left..the girl is waiting to lose when the wall comes down..because that is the planned outcome from years ago...
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