Trying not to give up

I'm afraid for myself I'm afraid of what I'm thinking and what I want to do... I'm afraid that I will keep thinking that dying is the only way to manage... Its All I can think about right now ..I don't want to have to worry about being homeless again I don't want to worry about money or medication or what's going to happen to Taji and bounce ...it was too much then and it's way too much now... I was asked today to really think about whether this job was the right thing for me... I'm trying so hard to hang onto a job that I know is that you're going to bed I know stresses me out in that I know probably is not a good fit... But what am I going to do without it how am I going to live if I don't have a job.?.. What am I supposed to do I don't have the energy or the motivation right now.. I know I'm living with depression.. I'm trying to fight it but instead all I can do is lay down and sleep I'm trying to keep myself safe ..I want to cut I want to hurt myself I want to purge I want to burn... I  want to do all that just to get my mind off of what is going on...I thought I was doing a good job I thought I was able to manage  ...and maybe I can't... And I feel like... I feel like my therapist is getting the idea that I want to kill myself just because of my job and that's not true... No I don't want to kill myself and no I don't want to lose my job... But the stress of being homeless and without medication and worrying about money and food and my cats and everything else is just too much to deal with .I just had to deal with this 4 almost 8 months I don't want to have to do it all over again ...I don't want to have to go back to ask mommy for money I don't want to go back to having to ask anyone for money... I just want to be able to be stable and stay stable and I can't.... And that is what frustrates me and makes me feel so suicidal u cuz I keep thinking that I am a failure and that I can't do anything ...that I keep trying and trying and I keep messing up and its just too hard... Can I admit defeat can I give up I just.. I can't figure any of this out right now... And so I spent my day sleeping or going over to Sarah's house because I'm safe there with her..  I don't mean to worry her and I feel so bad for having to rely so much on her  right now ..and feel like I just keep talking in circles and I don't make any sense... I know I can go to her for comfort and that she will listen to me and then I can cry and its okay ...I just get a friend and then I'm going to tire her out or something... That  I'm too much to deal with ...I'm scared of being alone ..of being without her... I've never felt like I needed someone so very much in my entire life... It feels like I'm just losing my grip on reality.. I don't know how to get back on a stable ground... Maybe I really am just not cut out for this life... I don't know... I just don't know