Things are very bad

Today has been an exceptionally bad day... Except for the few hours I spent with Sarah everything about today... I'm stressing out I'm worried I'm anxious... I don't Even know if I have a job anymore right this minute...I'm scared that I have completely screwed up things once again... Right now my thinking is so negative  - I'm not sure what to do  ..I don't wanna have to deal with losing my job again.. I don't want to have to worry about money and where I'm going to live and what I'm going to eat... You can't do it again I really don't think I can... Which then leads me to the scariest thought of all... That I am seriously thinking about suicide at the moment ...cuz I don't know what to do... I'm scared that I will get bad news and I just want know how to handle it... I'm afraid that I don't want to handle it again... I'm trying hard to remember what my coping skills are  and to use them.. But more and more I think about cutting or burning... I'm planning and I just don't seem to be able to realize it completely ...I feel so stupid for what I did... I wasn't thinking I just reacted... I was just tired of being hit and it really was triggering me... And cried so much today and I just don't know what to do... All I can do is wait and see what happens... But the fear and worry and anxiety don't leave me... I'm really truly not sure I can keep myself safe.. I'm really not even sure that I want to... Plan a is to actually use my coping skills and that's what I'm doing... Plan B leads to more negative things... And plan c is leading to death ... I can think about that calmly ..and thats what scares me... There's something very final about not being afraid of suicide... I'm trying my hardest to make it to wednesday and seeing anita. Because I really can't think any further than that... I don't want to worry anyone but I just don't know how to say that I'm so anxious and upset and worried... Thinking that I'm a failure in that I've messed up again.. Maybe I'm just not cut out for life... I don't know