so today i guess i found out where i stand with things..and no i dont have the money i need to live right now..yes im going to run out of meds..and food and everything else...but i have to get the money to pay for the hotel and there wont be anything left over..so it will be food or meds...and i know ill be sick and crabby and cranky and mean without the meds..but i dont have the extra money..i dont want to not feel good but i dont have a choice right now..gotta have a place to stay..and gas...and after using the extra money i didnt have today on tires for my car..i really could just cry..or scream in frustration...i caved and asked mommy for some money...which will juts add to the stress with her...and all ive done today is worry and think and plan and feel like a failure and get overwhelmed...and at the same time the need to hide the struggling..and to get through it without anyone asking questions .. because i am ashamed of where i am currently at in life...i dont want to ask for help...i dont want ppl to feel as if they have to give me anything..and so i would go with nothing before caving and asking for help...roxanne took the decision out of my heads a few weeks ago..but i havent had a chance to talk to her in a while so i dont know what i would even be able to tell her...
im out of resources..im out of time..im feeling as if i am out of everything right now and im so very down ...maybe ill ask my med doc to increase the klonopin that i cant afford for a while..im so stressed and tense and scared and worried..and still im to prideful to ask for help...i cant ask nia again..i still owe her and rob from like 4 months ago..so i only had money..and begging her for help is gonna come back and kick me in the ass..but mommy is dead set on no one knowing my situation ... just her and nia know...henry and wayne dont...no one else in the family knows just how much of a failure i am..how much ive screwed up things...
im trying to go day by day..but i cant let go of the worry..and im deathly afraid that i will see t tomorrow and tell her about what is going on and end up crying..much to my shame..for a while today i was thinking about cutting ... i have the blades..now all i need to do i find the will and motivation to do it..hows that for mixed up...
this is a battle that i really dont want to deal with anymore..im tired..im tired of holding it together..im tired of being expected to deal with all of it and not be upset or cry or anything per instructions from mommy...and so it is a way of shutting down and shutting off and shutting everyone out...i dont want to lie..but telling the truth leads to pity..and i dont want anyones pity..ill manage .. somehow..i guess...
since the apartment is taking longer than planned..i may end up looking into finding a room somewhere..but i looked online and i swear that looking online just makes it seem like im getting farther and farther away from sarah..and that has me feeling really down..i dont know if ill be able to find a place..well a room that will allow both the cats...have i mentioned feeling like an epic failure with everything right now ...
when do i get to give up and call it quits ... ?
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