im bored.i dont know if i have anything interesting to say beyond that..im bored..tired..lonely..trying to plan but losing interest in stuff juts as fast..ugh..you know what sucks so very much? its that i no longer can tell if i am depressed or if i am just being a lazy slob...i hate being called lazy..and i am happy at times arent i? sometimes i really dont know ..and maybe im just isolating a lot right now because of still trying to get used to living with other people and there are MORE ppl here..and its like the hosue is full of ppl and yet i only see one or two on a regular basis..it is incredibly weird...but its ok...i feel better knowiing that i have a place to go...a place that i dont have to be worried about packing up and leaving..i want the apartment and ive been calling but getting no response and it is frustrating...i want my stuff..maybe im just being selfish i guess..
sidenote...ive been going to the bathroom a lot lately..which has me a bit worried about what in the world my sugar is doing ..and if its high or not...that frustrates me too...im thinking ill rejoin weight watchers..now im having to go up and down the stairs all day i am getting more active a little bit..but i know thats not enough..and i know that i have to go slow or i will give up fast...i got fruit at the store yesterday..along with donuts and kit kats...ok so i was having a really bad sugar craving yesterday...which is almost over with right now..but i dont know ...
im struggling more today with writing..i cant seem to get my thoughts together to well..and i think im beginning to feel the more hopeless feelings again...just about general things ... not being able to talk about what is going on..gosh its only been a month?? maybe a little bit more..but i know how things ended is still bothering me...im more worried about being a baby or whining or complaining..and i try not to..i dont want to make anyone mad at me..and so i guess i am just kind of forgetting what it is that i need to say...everything is being pushed back inside and stored away...and i guess its just sort of creeping over me..i juts dont know what to say anymore..to anyone..and im just laying here..dying to talk but afraid..making myself forget ..telling myself that i dont need to say anything..that im managing on my own..i mean im not cutting..isnt that enough ?! i almost want to say i would rather i was cutting because then at least i wouldnt forget im alive...maybe that is it..im juts feeling more lost and alone and i dont know to reach out anymore..that support is gone and i feel as if i am just left to my own defenses..that i have to figure out how to cope..to live..and i dont know how and its not fair ... at least when things were so messed up i had something to focus my stresss and worry on..and now there is nothing specific to focus my stress on..and so all of the little stuff is crowding in..and i dont know what to do..or how to make it better..and i dont want to be by myself but i cant bother sarah a million times a day juts because i cant deal with myself..the constant need for comfort and affection scares me..it overwhelms me and then i refuse to ask for it as a punishment...guess i still do have the cause and effect thoughts and well i end up with the short end of the stick...there is no balance..i want it all and that makes me selfish...and all i end up doing is draining ppl until they push me away..get tired of me...im a leech..i drain the energy from ppl, i drain my needs from people but i dont do it directly and that makes it worse..and i try not too...i really try not to and so i stay quiet and just stay away from everyone....maybe that is some of why i have been wanting to sleep so much more lately..i dont remember when i got my meds back..i dont remember how long ive been back on them or if they are completely in my system...med doc already told me that she will not increase the anxiety med..and i even asked her to give me the xanax that i gave to her..because i wasnt supposed to have them...i still have a couple though because i found the rest of them when i was in the middle of moving ..im saving them..no..i may take one tonight with the rest of my night meds...there is not enough of them to kill myself ... that would be a waste of time..i just want to feel something..anything...so badly....im closing off..and i can feel it happening..and it makes me want to give up completely...im tired of reflecting on life..im tired of trying to figure out whats wrong with me..im tired of not feeling good..im tired of not being able to control how i am feeling and how easily it turns into crying lately..i want to numb out ..but im already numb..damnit
No comments:
Post a Comment