its much harder this time around..keeping things to myself..so much
going on and i think i jut want to cry..ive spent most of the day going
back and forth between feeling really upset..and then really down about
things..but i dont want to saay anything for fear ill end up getting a
lecture on being ungrateful or complaining or something.. i dont
know..but can feel the anger and lack of speaking building up..found out
today that i wont be able to get my meds filled without seeing the med
doc..which normally isnt a problem at all..but the thing is seeing her
means i will be right back to where t is and i was trying to avoid being
anywhere near there..and now i have to go..because i need the refill
..and i dont want to see her.. dont think i can make it through the
appointment in silence..dont want to cry either..the need to just lie
and convince her im fine seems like the best idea ..but im not even sure
i can pull that off..when did i get to be so pathetic and cant even
manage to convince my doc that im ok ?!! used to be a dang pro...and now
i cant even get through juts thinking about it without feeling as if im
going to cry..i dont want to talk about whats going on..whats going
wrong..none of it..i dont want to be told to suck it up and deal
anymore..i really dont..im tired and angry and not dealing with anything
really..feel like the inevitable is just waiting to happen and i will
be sucked down into the emptiness without a way to get out...once again
its all just a waiting game..and im stuck being the stupid piece that
keeps getting pushed around and stepped on..
dont know anymore why i even bother to write
sorry for being so pathetic
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