yesterday...was not the best day

to say i was spacy today would be putting things very very nicely...i had a hard time this morning figuring out what it is that i needed to do..instead of going to work early..i watched a movie and thought about doing my laundry...i finally did get up and force myself into the shower..but seriously i was like a lost kid this morning..i went back and forth and back and forth and kept forgetting what it is i wanted to do or needed to do or anything..and then i started to get frustrated because i knew there were plenty of things i should have been doing..and instead all i did was watch tv..blah..but oh well i got out.and saw two clients..and for some reason have been super tired today..like really wanting to just lay down and sleep...i had a headache again today..during the middle of the day for a while..i had a headache yesterday too..im trying to remember when i started getting them often again and of course i dont remember...essh..and so i finished work and came home and actually are a real dinner..and am working on a food log..cas i see the nutritionist next month..and well there are some eating issues going on in my head..but nothing to the extreme..and so now im just laying down and thinking a bit..still thinking about the eye contact thing from yesterday..and wondering if i have managed to get to the bottom of it..its not anxiety well its a little bit of anxiety but more than that it is related to fear...a very very big fear of being unsafe around people i dont know..a fear of being hurt if i look at someone else..attention caused trouble..and so some how in my head it turned into this huge huge fear ..and ive gotten so used to not paying attention to my surrounding..and ignoring ppl around me..and not seeing things..that being asked to look at someone really is very terrifying...i thought it was anxiety when i was with kathy and she was standing in front of me..but in a room full of people i was partially focused on her and partially focused on making sure no one was to close to me..and kathy told me that she wouldnt let anything happen to me..and even then i didnt realize it was the fear that was overwhelming..i knew i was anxious..i mean i was in a situation that i was not comfortable with..but wanting to see kathy outweighed my good sense to avoid the party at all costs...but i did look at her a little bit..and just being near her was able to get me to calm down some..i had to know where she was at all times or else i would just feel completely nervous and on edge and just watching everyone but not able to completely focus on anyone..mommy taught me well..and i didnt realize it then..i knew i had trouble with eye contact for forever..like even as a young kid..but i didnt know why..i didnt understand why..but mommy was very clear on what could and couldnt be said..so i didnt talk...she told me not to be alone with males ..so i avoided everyone i could..that still didnt save me though did it..cas when i was pushed to be social i was hurt..again the irony of the whole thing is just freakin depressing.. and i better stop...yeah need to stop