im tired of thinking ..

and this has turned into one of those weeks where i am not able to let anything go..ive been thinking about therapy since tuesday..and i think that is part of the reason i have had a headache for like the past 3 days..i just keep thinking and trying to figure it out..and come to some sort of logical conclusion that i can work with..i want to be able to work with it and deal with it..but the problem is of course identifying what the actual issue is..and ive thought about it and thought about it so much that it seems like more and more is piling on top of it and that i cant get to the bottom of it because there is just so much there..so much to get through..and i keep writing and trying to figure out what it is exactly and why it is so hard for me to do something that is so  so seemingly   simple...so this time i am going to write it a little bit differently and see if that helps any..ill just kinda list out all of the different parts and see if it begins to make sense ...and well the hope is that i can do this without overwhelming myself..because i can feel that tiredness that feels like its just everywhere in my body and i want to just lay down and give up completely..im tired..really really tired..

so in my thinking what have i unconvered about my feelings relating to eye contact..behaviors and what not...

- safety:  I think that avoiding eye contact keeps me safe some how ... that i have to keep myself safe so i dont allow myself to form relationships with others..if i can help it..i am viewed at times as being standoffish i think because i get so scared and quiet in social situations..

-anxiety: in one on one situations i am more aware of my lack of eye contact and being aware of it just makes me feel more anxious ..more so if it is an uncomfortable situation anyway..like seeing a doc or therapy or work..and if the anxiety gets bad then the eye contact is worse..then the anxiety turns into fear ..and all hope if pretty much gone if it gets to that point..

-isolation: this one is pretty similar to the safety issue..again if i dont allow myself to be around anyone or look at anything then i am able to isolate and stay safe

-learned behavior taken to the extreme:  i had forgotten about some things from when i was a kid..and again it was one of those how in the world did i forget these things?  but mommy was very clear when i was yyounger about who i could and couldnt be around..i was told repeatedly to never be alone with the father of the kids i used to babysit..i became afraid of him for no good reason..he has never done anything to me..but i can still barely hold a conversation with him..mommy would tell me what to say, how to say it..i would wait for her to tell me what to say and if i wasnt with her and had to talk or something then i would get anxious and scared...but again it may have been a learned behavior but it is at gotten to the extreme end of things now..or has been at the extreme end of things for a good long while now...

-attention/being noticed:  i dont like thinking i have anyone attention..i dont like feeling like i am being looked at ..mommy stares at me a lot..and it makes me uncomfortable..and i dont like when i am looked at because it makes me uncomfortable..becaue i dont know what the other person wants from me..attention meant trouble..attention meant i had messed something up..that i had done something wrong..

-not used to it: im not used to looking at other ppl...i spend so so much time alone that i really am uncomfortable in a group setting or if i am around more than just a couple ppl..but it also relates back to feeling that i am being watched, judged, looked at,

i dont know..i really have been thinking about this alot and it is just getting all mixed up and i cant seem to stop thinking about it and its just making me feel worse and even more stuck...

my headache is back..