afraid

this is just one of those days..weeks ..months that i wish things had turned out differently...i know i should write about how i am feeling but i just dont have the words...im afraid...very very afraid right now...i cried and cried yesterday and it has taken a lot to not cry today...if i stop and think to much the tears are near to far away..im scared and feel trapped by the whole thing..and im tired of being to ld that its ok and that its just a small surgery and not to cry...ill cry if i want to cry ok..its not often that i cry but i couldnt get myself to stop cryinig yesterday..and today ive had more time to think and more time to feel and yes i know somewhere deep inside i will have to go through with the surgeryy...because i do hurt...lately my sides, stomach, even my chest hurts...its like a lingering soreness..i cant get comfortable...and i just dont feel good you know...and so im scared and hurting and just unsure of anything right this minute..i dont know whats going to happen..how am i  going to manage without work for two freaking weeks?? possibly...depending on when the surgery is i will have to worry about surgery, money, everything..what am i going to do?? what am i going to do with mommy here for more than a couple days? what am i going to do when i have to depend on others to help me ? when i wont have my own space...and then there is the scary scary thought of how it is going to be paid for..and so right now my anxiety is high..my depression is high..i want to hide..i want to be left alone..i dont want to talk to anyone at all..and im just trying to keep myself under control...because right now i just cant think..im afraid and i just cant process anything at all right now..i dont know what i want to be told..i dont know what i want to happen...but right now i am having a hard time working past the fear...