dont look at me....

i am getting incredibly frustrated right now becuase i dont understand my own behaviors..and i cant seem to explain them to anyone else and make sense...not when it comes to eye contact..and i dont understand why it is that i cant figure it out..

i talked about it today with alice again..somehow we got on the topic..i dont remember how or why but i know we talked about it..and that is one topic that almost automatically makes me anxious and upset and then i get confused because i cant seem to explain why..i dont know what to say..i know the simple answers..but for some reason i know that the simple answers are not the whole reason..its just not...and there is something there that i cant figure out or understand..and im fighting with myself to understand why and am just getting more and more frustrated because it feels like im going in circles..

why is it so hard?  im almost ready to just throw a tantrum and say screw it and that ill just never look at anyone else again..but that is not smart..and i have a feeling that if i dont get better at this issue then i will be back and forth in therapy for a while still...

i know when i was with kathy at the party and she was talking to me..like standing right in front of me talking to me..i know i was scared and kept looking around..and she had to practically physically get me to look at her..but doing it made me so anxious i think i was shaking or doing something not in the range of normal behaviors..because she told me repeatedly that i was safe..how she knew i was scared i dont know..ive probably told her before..i know ive talked it a lot with her and that i get super nervous...and scared..and did i mention nervous?

so anyway..talking about it today..caused the same anxiety..i was scared..but of what im not sure..i trust kathy to keep me safe..but it still takes a lot for me to look at her and keep looking at her...but i trust alice too dont i?  maybe its just what we talk about that makes me so scared and nervous..and i honestly dont want the attention..but again there is just more to it and i dont know what it is ...and im trying hard to stop the urge to ask kathy or anyone else what they think about it..or how i seem to them or something..i cant figure it out and so i want someone else to tell me what it is that i am missing..but i need to figure it out ..

i know ive never looked at my therapists...well i think i looked at the therapist before alice a couple times when she asked me too..and if i could get past the anxiety enough to actually do it for a couple seconds..and ive glanced at alice..and ive glanced at courtney..and i still feel bad that i spent an hour talking to courtney when i first met her and then couldnt recognize her five minutes later ... that freaked me out..and now i know her and of course recognize her...i wonder if i told her that? hmm dont remember...but anyway i know with like first meeting ppl my anxiety is really high and i wont look at them...specially if it is in a area where i feel like i am being put on the spot or getting to much attention or something..and at work jessica and the other supervisors know that they have to literally call my name and get my attention for me to look at them..im listening..i can keep track of everyone in the room or everyone who is around me..but i cant look up..im afraid to look up..i wont do it..i dont want everyone looking at me..or noticing me or even looking in my general direction..but then i want the attention from certain ppl..and dont want it from everyone else..i want alices attention but i cant look at her completely..i want kathys attention bad enough that i will occasionally look at her when she asks me too...but something gets in the way..if i feel scared or threatened or forced i dont think i do it..because if its one of those then i know my anxiety is going up and im not even paying atttention anymore..because then i just want to get away..and remove myself from whatever it is that is making me feel uncomfortable or upset..

with mommy looking at her meant trouble..being noticed just meant trouble all the time as a kid i think..but i guess avoiding eye contact didnt save me from anything anyway..not really...i still got hurt..but still for whatever reason i believe that avoiding eye contact keeps me safe...i get afraid that if i look at someone then they will just figure out to much about me and that is not safe.. i worry that i will be hated if someone finds out anything about me..and so making eye contact when im talking about myself is harder ..at work or with clients my eye contact is back and forth..not steady..but it is back and forth..if im out somewhere shopping or something..i go out of my way to avoid other ppl..i dont look at anyone if i can help it..but im always polite you know..and i may be able to track what is going on around me..but im not focused on any one thing..and it is as if i am standing there and there are so many things going on around me..but i cant see anything clearly..everything moves past me..and i kinda of track ppl because if there are to many ppl around i dont feel safe at all..but again its the eye contact ..the lack of eye contact that makes me safe...and i was talking to amanada about it ..and she mentioned it possibly being a control thing..and i hadnt considered that before..i mean control does happen to be a big issue with me..i want control but i dont control a lot of things ..well it doesnt feel like i control anything...but then the stuff that hurts me i had control over..i could do it or not do it ..the choice was mine...im guessing that somewhere in my head i am making the choice to look away..to avoid something..but it is so automatic that it happens and i dont think im always aware of it...im very aware when it is a one on one conversation with like alice or jessica or something because then i do have their attention..and i want it and dont want it at the same time..its like im trying hard to get attention now good or bad attention it doesnt matter..i just want attention..but its like i want the other person to pull it out of me..i want them to figure out what it is that i want or need..and i dont want to admit that i truly do want attention...well safe attention anyway..and i think that is where the cutting and other stuff comes in...i may not care about myself but if i do something to hurt myself and then go and tell someone..then they care..then i have their attention ..and still i may not be looking at the person but i know i have their attention...

the really confusing thing though is how upset it made me for alice to not look at me..like on purpose..it was automatic anger practically..its like why arent you looking at me ..im supposed to have your attention and it cant be taken away..and if she is looking at me then i guess on some level i know that i do have her attention..but if she isnt looking at me then i dont have her attention...and that is very upsetting..i cant make her look at me or not look at me..but i feel very upset when she isnt looking at me..i dont know..

maybe i just dont know how to do it anymore..maybe its just that ive gotten myself so afraid and that im trying so hard to protect myself ..that avoiding eye contact is the only thing i know how to do..i dont feel i am able to keep myself safe..and so if i avoid everyone..avoid building relationships...avoid talking..avoid all of it then i cant be hurt in anyway..i want to be safe..to feel safe..and for some reason being around anyone else does not allow me to feel safe...there are people im okay with like not anxious around them..or as anxious around them..but with a lot of people the anxiety and fear wins out and it doesnt matter how well i may know them at that point..the issue has grown so so very big that it covers everything..every single part of my life...and i know that i do believe that if i avoid relationships then i am able to keep myself safe from other ppl..mommy taught me to fear other people..i know that..she would tell me to never be alone with the kids i baby sat dad..she made me afraid to speak to anyone about anything at all..she would take what i said and change it all around until i really was being convinced that i had said something and i didnt remember it..and if i dont remember and she manages to cover me and start asking me about it or something ..then i end up agreeing even if i might not be sure..and then i do believe that ive said it..and then i am not able to trust myself or my thoughts..which in a huge round about way still brings up what was talked about in therapy today...crapola ..it makes me want to scream because its all freakin connected and i end up going back and forth and confusing myself and mixing things up..and then i worry that im lying or making something up and i dont think i am..but that whole do i trust myself comes up and its like well i may not remember completely..but i remember some things i say..and if i was lying i would really be mixing myself up..

and now its time to stop because my thinking is getting a bit unsteady...and im getting a headache..and if i could i would probably cry or something because i hate feeling confused like this...