hiding in the silence.

i think what i remembered was an accident..during therapy yesterday..and i left without saying what it was i was thinking about because well ..words just became to hard and i didnt know how to say what i was thinking..without crying..and so i stayed quiet..i think i was looking for answers in the back of the door i stared at it so much..but i left her ..as i knew i would..feeling very sad..and i made it to i guess the front door of the place before i did start crying..because my thought was .well what i remembered was..that mommy said she would kill me..she had a knife and everything..i dont think i said i single word the entire time she was standing next to me with the knife..i dont remember most of what was said except that she would kill me..that she could..and what would i have been able to do to protect myself?  to stop it?  what did i do that was so awful that this was the outcome ? and i remember what it was..she was told i had been rude to a male friend of hers..he was drunk and i had nothing to say to him...guess that made him very mad..he told mommy whatever..and mommy after waiting a few days retaliated and let me know just what it was that she thought of me..and so she took the knife and stood next to me..and started talking..and i think i lost focus..i didnt defend myself..i couldnt think of a response anyway..there really was no point at all..she said i was wrong..and so i was..there was not much thought involved on my part i guess..but even then..15 years ago or something...i wished she would just go ahead and kill me..stop the threats..stop whatever it is that is so wrong with me..just kill me and get it over with..i wanted her too..i dont understand why she didnt..i really dont...and it had been a while since i had remembered this bit of information..and i dont know what to do with it..what to say about it..or who to talk to about it..deep deep secret that needs to stay hidden away..because it proves just how awful i am..yesterday i think i ended up shutting down a bit..i didnt want to talk..i didnt want to do anything..i wanted to go home but instead i worked for a little bit...i wanted to hide away..and not have to think about the hurt and shame and guilt..and im afraid that where my thinking is going will cause nothing good at all..and so i trap my thoughts away in silence..if i dont speak then no one will know..but not speaking isnt the whole issue..because i will think and think and think about it...go over and over it in my head..and im afraid to say it outloud because of fear that i wont be able to get it out..that ill end up crying and messed up and all sorts of things...i am afraid for myself right now..im afraid of what i will end up doing to stop the thoughts..because that little incident from all the way back then leaves me feeling suicidal now...so silence and sleep are my escapes for now..to get through today and the weekend...and i dont know..have to make it through today first..and im not sure i even want to do that..im really not...