geez what happened today ? how did it come to this..again...all the bad thoughts..and feeling unsafe...the mistake of telling t and pdoc about those feelings ..and once again having conversations about the hospital..and what will happen if i cant keep myself safe
i hadnt planned on even going there with either of them..but somehow it came out and ..i tried to pretend i had no idea what the pdoc was talking to..can she jumped right on the sui feelings and just had to talk about it..but she saw right through it..cas she is right in that i do know exactly what she meant..i deal with putting kids in the hospital..and being there when they are admitted..i know how it works..and at the same time i know how to avoid it to..and so then we had to talk about what it would take if i was feeling unsafe..and it was just depressing talking about it...depressing thinking about it..just all around depressing today ..and well just in general lately its been depressing...and t told me not to give up..and to keep trying and doing one thing at a time..but i dont know..she also told me not to miss anymore sessions ... given last week was understandable cas there was a work issue..but yeah..it was like massive down hill spiral that wasnt able to be stopped since i didnt have a chance to see her last week..and i dont know..pdoc did up the meds a bit...but im not to hopeful about that or anything else right now...so i just dont know..but hmm trying to get through my other stuff today so i can come home and do paperwork that im once again behind on...ugh i think i kinda hate everything right now...t did tell me though that she would be incredibly pissed at me if i killed myself ...which i prolly needed to hear i guess
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