my head is still trying to understand and accept all that has happened today...im not sure really if im happy or upset or calmer or anything really..im just back to being neutral..for now anyway..throughout the day that has changed a lot and ive tried hard to focus and get things done..i mean im still feeling utterly unmotivated..and everything..but at the same time im a little bit calmer than i have been the past few days...
so i guess ill start at the beginning of the day and just go from there...
i saw pdoc this morning..and well the biggest result is that i am having my meds increased..and it will take me back to where i was before with the effexor kinda..im still taking it twice a day but at a higher dose..which is fine with me...i figured that today wasnt the day to try and convince my pdoc that i wanted serious drugs..cas well she wouldnt have been to happy with me...in general i dont think she was to happy with me..but umm yeah...i mentioned being suicidal and it was like everything stopped and i just had to talk about that..i tried to mess around and beat around the bush and she told me to stop because i knew exactly what she was talking about..and she was right..and i didnt like that she was right...i didnt like that the hospital came up in the conversation..i dont like that i told the truth and it ended up being a conversation about the hospital...im terrified of the hospital ..and at the same time i know i want a break..from everything..from life..from working..from stress..and im afraid that if i go to the hospital ill just want to stay and that cant happen..i have to much life stuff to deal with and going into the hospital would ruin everything..i dont need ppl feeling sorry for me..or treating me like im going to break..and so i just keep forcing myself to keep going and to keep struggling through this mess that i have to call my life...and i force myself to believe that the hospital is not an option..that i have to deal with all that is going on ..and when i cant i end up feeling completely hopeless and stuck and even more suicidal..and it seems like it just keeps happening and i get so tired of trying and fighting to deal with my own life..so i guess long story short i wasnt to happy with the dr today...if i hadnt had to be in control so much im would have called her a meany head and started pouting...but yeah that didnt happen..and so i just got quiet and tried to focus and pay attention..but i didnt like the conversation and i was trying hard to ignore what she was saying..and thinking up ways to get out of ever being forced into the hospital..but i was really anxious when i left her..and i had to stick around for therapy..so i went and hung out in my car..and caught up on some work phone calls and everything..and got myself together in some form or fashion and went back in for therapy..but i think the depression/sad feelings where to much to deal with by then and i couldnt figure out how to be happy..and i think linda figured out something was up...but i really truly wasnt happy or anything at the time...and so i talked to linda about all of it...i really did let her know i was struggling and all that was going on..and what was happening and i did talk to her..and i guess i didnt like that i was talking because then it was just leaving me feeling more and more depressed and sad and frustrated...we talked about how my pride is getting in the way ..and that i need to use my resources and get help with the financal stuff and all of that..and she told me not to give up..and to work on one thing at a time...and well she told me that she would be really pissed off with me if i killed myself..cas we were having the conversation about cutting and if she would be mad at me..and well i told her that no one cared about me..and she told me i was wrong..and that there were a lot of people who cared about me...but i told her i would work on not giving up..and currently im not suicidal or anything..im very depressed but not thinking about dying...but depressed..i want to go to bed...all i do lately is sleep or spend time doing things i dont remember on the computer or watching movies...i told linda to that i was to unmotivated to kill myself and that i did sorta have a plan..the thoughts are worse now..they are..and im trying you know to keep fighting them..but then i end up feeling so hopeless and dying looks like such a good option and i just want things to stop and be quiet for a while..and it gets all confusing :( and i have to go back and see pdoc in 2 weeks..and linda also told me not to miss anymore sessions with her..i missed last week cas of work issues..and can this week..and well this week im like falling apart all over the place and suicidal and all that..and its like ok i wont miss anymore sessions..
and well i guess thats enough for all of that...but the other stuff i have been thinking of..money,,moving..jobs..ugh..theres so much...
the need to move is important...well i have to move..i do..i just cant afford living here..and i was thinking that i wanted to have a 2 bedroom...well i do want a two bedroom apartment..but for now i cant afford it..and im getting so frustrating trying to find a two bedroom..and i think i need to look for a one bedroom instead..i mean i have way to much stuff for a two bedroom and i really have no idea where in the hell im going to put some of the furniture that is left over from yvonne that she gave to me..but really im just frustrated and overwhelmed with looking and being worried about money..and all that..and i guess for now i need to find a place that i like and feel safe in and is affordable...and that is a 1 bedroom...and i think one of the other things that is really frustrating me with the apartment looking is that i have to pay so much extra money for bounce and dusti..and i really am all for being honest and all of that..but really..its like an extra 300 for pet fees and deposits and all of that..and they have to come with me..i just dont want to pay for them just yet..and then i get all twisted up feeling guilty..and out of sorts ..but darn it i just cant afford anything right now...and it frustrates the hell out of me..so i dont know what to do just yet...and i talked to the office today for where i live now and well letter from my job or not ill still be charged the late fee..for not having my rent in time..and i realize i wont h ave the rent anyway..and so i dont know what to do about that...i was told i HAD to do the 2 month notice..even though my lease is up..and that makes me mad cas well im moving cas i cant afford it..and maybe i just need to let them evict me and deal with paying them whatever i owe them then..and im sure it will be less than a month and ill be evicted for not paying..ugh so stupid...and well the place i did like i have been warned against..because there are a lot of drugs and stuff there..and i just keep thinking that i will be ok..you know i stay out of stuff and dont really talk to anyone anyway..but its that now that ive been told not to go there and cant go there ..and so im back to square one and looking for an apartment..and will just have to figure it out...how in the world can i condense my stuff down to a one bedroom?! crap crap crap..really feel like im getting nowhere though..with the search..and i dont know..its disappointing big time...but i guess i need to keep reminding myself that i can move again later on down the line...
and well the job stuff is pretty much going in the same way...2 jobs...both stressful..losing hours at my main job..but gaining hours at my second job..and well the not getting paid is just frustrating..and i am truly trying to be patient..i am...but i dont know what to do about it..and well i guess thats prolly why im frustrated with it all..
and well my lack of money and not being able to pay things really is frustrating me too..the check i get at the end of the week really needs to go towards other bills..and not rent..but i need to pay rent..and i dont know which i need to cover more..that 300 and some electric bill i have to pay..and then theres my car insurance that i have to pay..and well rent is not as high up on the list i guess..and thats bad..but i cant pay everything..and i have to be ok with that and accept the consequences of my choices..and i dont like them..i really dont liike that im stuck choosing which is more important to pay..:( cas it makes me feel bad..but well i dont make enough money to cover it all and money doesnt grow on trees..and so i have to choose..and i have to deal with it...ugh :(
and well there is the issue of paperwork that i havent turned in that i need to get done and in tomorrow..and im trying to find the motivation to do it..and ugh..
there is just so much going on and i keep trying to look at all of it together and not breaking it apart..and its making me feel awful and even more depressed and i guess hopeless too..and im just stuck..completely..and i dont know what to do..i cant think anymore tonight..i really cant..i guess its time for me to go to bed then..maybe after getting so sleep this will all just make sense and i wont be struggling anymore..
but on a completely different side note..i really need to stop trying to make myself feel better with food...i know im doing it and i know i feel powerless to stop it..but it needs to stop...im using money that i need for other stuff on food and i have food in the house and i need to eat it..and i need to cook..and stop messing around...
and i just feel the need to damn mcdonalds for that darn monopoly game..crap..every year i think im gonna win and that i have to get as many pieces as possible..when i know im not going to win and yeah..its like i get suckered into going to mcdonalds more often cas i want the pieces..and not really so much the food..but if i buy the food then i have to eat it..and so on and so forth..if nothing else i am predictable in my issues...and i get comfortable doing things i know i shouldnt do...and then just feel horrible about it later on..or as im doing it...i wont get into what ive eaten today.but its just been really bad ..and i know i just need to do better and work harder to control it tomorrow..
and today i actually had something different to talk about with linda but i got sidetracked and didnt bring it up...so maybe next week if i can keep it together...
but yeah..now i have a headache and am feeling really uncomfortable..so im going to lay down now...
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