i panicked...

i dont know what i was thinking...i panicked big time today..well this evening..in tears..freaking out..falling apart..the whole nine yards..i was not ok..and well it happened because of moving..because suddenly things are not ideas anymore ..they are happening..and i have to manage to get it together to pack and move by saturday..

guess how many boxes i have?  guess how much i have actually packed?  how much i have gotten done?? or started??
 NOTHING!!!! not a thing is done..nothing is planned..and i dont know where to start...

im freaking out..im overwhelmed and frustrated and upset and wishing this wasnt happening actually..

suddenly im afraid to move..afraid to be in someone elses house..afraid to pack up my stuff and have to put it back in storage...im afraid to change ... and so then i start panicking before i even do anything..i cant pack because i think about how overwhelming it is and give up before i start...

im afraid to live with someone how knows about the cutting and my general craziness...im afraid to be with someone how knows that i am stressed and struggling and just at the end of my rope...part of the contract with moving in is that i will keep myself safe..that i will stay in therapy and take my meds...all logical requests all things considered..and i know that me being unsafe at there house is something that i dont want to happen..i dont want them to be mad at me or upset or anything...i dont want to make them sad or scared...i want to be trusted that i can be there and stay safe..even though things are hard and scary right now...



and i guess i just feel so cornered and trapped in some ways...im afraid that i will mess up..and then i dont understand why they are being so nice..why they are accepting me with all of my  'issues' into there house..and giving me a place to live an expecting so little from me..what have i done to have them doing so much from me...what will they want from me..and i know i am being stupid thinking that..i know..i believe that they will not hurt me in any way and that they are safe and kind and nice to me..but i dont know...im afraid and so im questioning all of it right now...

i guess i never thought it would happen..something would stop it..something would come up and i wouldnt have to move..but know ive been told that saturday is fine..that the contract is in order..and that things are moving along..and im afraid...im scared that it is happening..that i cant turn back now...i cant change my mind now...i remind myself that it wont last forever..that its only for like 3 months..that it is a help and not a bad thing...but still the fear is there now..the feelings and wanting to back out of it..to say ive changed my mind..to say that im crazy and cant live with anyone else..

deep down i know that im not making the wrong choice ..im not..ive already talked it out with linda ..and heather..and mommy and nia..and with work people..and its all the same answers...short term its a good idea..it will help..it will be a new start..on and on and on..all the good qualities...no one has asked if im afraid..what i think about it..what i think will happen...and im just unsure a little bit ok...im scared and overwehlmed with everything...because of work and all of that i dont have time to pack..and i stink at packing anyway...

no i havent cut...
i came online as soon as i got home..and started chatting..and well crying..and all that..and i reached out..and well im calmer now..i am..have a big headache and im so sad and stressed out and tense.but im calmer and i can think again..gotta do paperwork between now and tomorrow...but yeah somehow it will get done...

somehow i have to figure ou ta way for things to work out..i cant handle anymore bad things..im tired of bad things...i just want something good to happen..and i guess im looking at something good and im struggling to accept it...how messed up is that ?! :(