well things are changing ... im moving..well im moving with a frriend..which will be happening the weekend of the 23rd...will be staying there for 3 months...going to try to keep it to three months and then you know find my own place to live...again...i just need some time to regroup..and get things in order...and save up a bit...before trying again on my own..
and i understand completely that it is a super nice thing they are doing by letting me move into there house..and we will have a set up timeline and rules and all of that while im there you know..but at the same time its making me sad...because well i have to put my stuff in storage and ill be back to living in one room you know for a while with just bounce and dusti and not much of my stuff..and i just feel sad and dejected about having to do that again..and it makes me think a little like how it was at home..but i have to remind myself that this is oging to be a safe place..becaue they do know i have some issues..and one of the rules of being there is that i will keep myself safe and that you know i will stay in therapy and all that kinda stuff...but i dont know..just feeling sad about things..and the way things are turning out..and everything...i mean i know they have my best interest at heart...but i guess living with them has me a little worried to..cas it feels like i have to be on my best behavior..that i have to go back to pretending im fine and great ..and all of that..and im not sure about that..i mean i can manage anything for a few months you know..and i will manage..but i have to realize that you know..i have to do what i have to do and just deal with it..
have been still feeling really depressed and sad about everything..no money is stressing me out...and i do stupid things with the money i do have...i wont say what i did this morning..but yeah..it was not a smart thing...and so yeah..but i get so mad when i dont have money and then when i do have money i just want to spend it because there is always things that i want..and cant have right now...so its like just a lot going on..and all i do is work and sleep now..i work and am running around all day and then i get home later in the evenings and just want to go to bed..and then i go to sleep and get up and repeat it all the next day...its hard .. and draining..and disappointing becuase i keep feeling so hopeless and empty and sad..and i dont know what to do with myself...
i bought razors the other day..but havent used them or even opened them...just kinda have them i guess..i dont know..i go through periods of really wanting to hurt and yell and scream and cry..and i dont..i stuff it all down and pretend and all of that..i dont know...
just glad its saturday and that i can lay around and not do anything today..im tired...and worn out..and i just want to sleep..thats all..i want to sleep and lay in bed all day..
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