yesterday was not a good day...

what i wrote yesterday night



I really dont know where to begin, Im worn out completely. I cant focus, i cant take in any more information, or deal with anyone else talking to me. Im laying down but I cant seem to process today at all. The urge to say that things are fine, that we managed to get through today is very overwhelming. Yes we got through the day, but crashed and panicked horribly when it was time to leave the hospital this evening. Just couldnt take anything else, couldnt deal with anything else. Almost cried when my co-counselor told me to just go home when it got to be around 6pm. He told me to just leave and I did. I think I may have tried to stick it out if he hadnt told me to go home. 9 hours, thats how long I spent in the hospital today. 9 long and boring and draining hours, in a little room with no windows or anything to look at, without my phone or purse because I wasnt allowed to have them back there. 9 long hours of waiting, and hoping that this kid would be admitted only to find that tonight every place is rejecting him. Hours on the phone, talking to my co-counselor and my supervisor. I had to cancel everyone else i was supposed to see today, i missed my supervision this morning, and i missed therapy Really wanted to talk to t this week, wanted to take her some of the writing and talk about the medicine and the bad feelings, and now have to wait until next week. I cant reschedule therapy at all because of her schedule and so im just stuck with that, and the stress is building big time right now. and i dont know what to do about it. thought a lot about cutting today because was feeling so very stressed out. Being stuck sitting in a little room with a camera on the wall was not ok, and made my paranoia go into overload..i feel like i have just missed everything today due to one client and i dont like that at all. i really dont. i cant get myself together because the stress and not sleeping and everything is overloading me..and im trying to lay down and take it easy tonight but im just worrying about tomorrow and what ill need to do inorder to catch up.. i think maybe ill just go ahead and take the night meds and just start the day early tomorrow..and hope its better..cas i dont think it can get any worse..


but today is better....im currently taking a little break from cleaning up...

and spent a long time talking to my sister today..and im  feeling a bit of excitement..cas well she is getting excited about her possible move..and well i offered to go with them to look for apartments/houses in pa it will be around the middle of october but i think it will be fun to go up there and see the area and help them find a place..and all of that..and well im just itching to get away and get away from work stuff..and we have been talking about furniture and getting stuff from her possibly for my apartment..and well theres just something nice about moving to a new place and being able to start over..but she has gotten my interest lol..and would really like to do it..it gives me something to look forward to just a little bit..and i hope that it will work out... i really do...

and im not going to be going home..any time soon...well the oct 15th im going to my sisters and i may stop by home but i wont be staying or anything..and mommy is wanting us to go to cherrokee for her bday in nov..and so im gonna try to do that..cas being out of town with her isnt as bad as being with her at home..and especially if im going to be driving myself and will have my car and all of that..so going to try to do that..and with the holidays and all that coming up and i know ill be home a bit more or traveling to my sisters..so just using money to go home is not as much as option right now...

im going to use the rest of the day to finally catch up on paperwork and get it all turned in tomorrow morning..and finally be able to get things done..and going to work on cleaning up and getting all that done today too..

i would really rather you know that yesterday and the hospital thing doesnt happen again..any time soon..

but yes..im trying hard to regroup today..and get stuff done..