hmm

you know..i really dont have any thing positive to say about anything anymore...im just negative or i dont say anything..i hate everything or i ignore everything..i keep thinking about how linda told me that she wants me to be more present in my life and i think im kind of pushing that away..being aware is just so overwhelming for me..and i just kinda always function in neutral ...unless things are bad..and then things just are awful..and i feel like i should be more positive but i dont know how right now...circumstances just kinda suck big time and its hard for me to feel hopeful about anything....but as usual im managing...

its back to the work week..and well things are going...i know that things are still pretty unstable right now..but i still try to remind myself that i am getting pay checks and that every little bit helps and that its not always going to be like this...its not...and so im trying to stay hopeful and just deal with it..and hope...because i get paid this week and unfortunately i have bunches of bills to pay and catch up on..and so yeah..but its something...and im going to put aside a little bit of money for my birthday..cas i want to do something..i just dont know what yet...i have to work for part of it..but maybe dinner and a movie or something...there are a couple little things i want to get ..like a new movie and theres a new book i want..and i really need a new purse because mine is like falling apart at the seams..and i need some work clothes..but im going to be good and kinda try hard not to just go overboard and buy everything...but i would like to have a nice day..and umm yeah.

i dont think ill be able to go home for a while..but im still trying to work that out...because of something going on with one of my clients i am not going to working for a few sundays and so it will be easier to get away and go home but that has to happen like soon lol..but i really dont think ill have the money to do everything..and of course my car needs an oil change and some stuff and im behind on just about everything and so yeah..i guess im jumping the gun as usual since im worrying about all of this now..and i havent even gotten paid yet...but well i do worry a lot! heck i need to make a list of what needs to be paid..and go from there..

and nia and rob are possibly moving to PA. which makes me sad..and i kinda hope she doesnt..but i kinda hope she does..blah...but then mommy mentioned us spending christmas with them in PA if they do move..and then being up there for like new years and stuff..but nothing is planned yet.. and its all just talk for right now...but nia did mention that she wants me to move to PA to...later next year ..and i told her i would think about it...i think if i did move that it wouldnt be next year..it would be a little longer than that..and well who knows what will happen or what ill be doing at this time next year..and so yeah..i guess ill keep my options open you know..but that would be a huge huge move..and so scary...and starting over again..and i think i need more time cas it feels like i JUST moved here and im still getting used to it and everything..so yeah...

and maybe just getting away and going home is an ok thing to do..i had mentioned doing it the weekend after my birthday..but going home is ugh..and i dont know if im ready to be at home..my mood and well emotional state feels way to fragile to be at home and deal with all of that...im not sure i could manage for even a couple days...but i dont know...i mean mommy and nia both know money is tight and its not like im expected to go home or anything..but its been almost 3 months and i havent been home..which is a big deal..i mean and with the holidays coming up i know i have to go home..and all that...hmm but yeah...ill figure something out...

guess im done rambling for now...so my plan for the night is to figure out something for dinner, and work on paperwork until i fall asleep..and then get up early tomorrow and finish said paperwork until i have to go to my supervision meeting and then therapy..and then an afternoon involving A LOT of running around!
essh


but you know..today..well this evening..i was feeling pretty tired and kinda down..and i made myself go to work, and i made myself not reschedule because i really wanted to reschedule..but i went and it was good..i was glad i went..cas the kid makes me laugh..and i actually enjoy talking to him. so score one for me..in my day...

and now im really going ..