for as tired as i was a couple hours ago..now im awake but just kinda here...it the past 10 mins ive started to feel tired again..right when i was about to go ahead and start working on paperwork..have it kinda timed out for tomorrow..and all that..again i just want to get it turned in...thats what i want to do..i really am rather disappointed in us for work stuff..and forgetting and not keeping track of things better...i really am ..cas then its frustrating realizing that im forgetting to turn things in or forgetting to show up and times and all that ... its very frustrating..and so i then add stuff onto already scheduled stuff..and its frustrating extreme and then i feel like im just doing a bad job all around for not catching on to things or for not understanding..or forgetting..heh i signed up for short term disability insurance today..i may need to ask my pdoc to write me a leave of absence! i really really need to regroup and figure out what i am doing....i think this job..well these two jobs come with the most responsibility and i just dont know what to do with it..and its frustrating because not knowing tends to end up with me just doing stuff wrong or messing up ..or something.. very very hard to believe that im coming up on my 3 month mark ..in like 3 weeks..and i do want to make a good impression..i dont want to lose my jobs... this is a heck of a time to start doubting myself...i dont know..just feeling super down and depressed..and wanting to sleep but staying awake..and im assuming i want to be up until 12:01..didnt take any sleep meds tonight cas i knew tomorrow was gonna be an early early day..so yeah..im up and getting cranky and all the usual late night stuff going on...my age is showing and it worries me..and im afraid im not cut out for this...and i realize the dark dark humor that comes along with me working as a mental health counselor professionally and being a mental case myself...only i could manage that ..and only i can make it believable..and fake being sane so so very well...
im not ok and havent been ok in a very very long time... i dont know what i want anymore..i dont know how to get anything or make anything work anymore..im struggling with just freaking struggling and it makes me feel very very hopeless and lost and confused...the currently extreme forgetfulness is getting in the way..and i just dont know what to do about anything..and i feel completely at my wits end right now with it all..everything is stressing me out..and i have to keep going because i dont know how to do anything else..and i realize im supposed to be happy that tomorrow is my birthday and i guess tomorrow i will be happy..but its not tomorrow yet..and the evening before my birthday is always hard...the evening of my birthday is hard..and so i know its good im working off and on tomorrow..it is..but i just want a break from things you know..and i dont even get that on my birthday...my birthday is never anything special and so i guess it makes no point to change that now..just another day to get through i guess..and i cant find any happiness in it at all..and im back to feeling anxious..and very sad..and very unsure of things right now..you know im tired of trying and figuring stuff out and all of that..i dont want to do it anymore..i get tired of doing it..of trying..of making it work or pretending its working..or managing..i thought i was going to have a happy day..i thought i was going to be able to be happy tomorrow..but right now im not feeling happy at all..im feeling sad and very sad..and i dont know..
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