for the first time in awhile last night i was actually thinking about how much it would hurt to go back to purging...i wanted to do and was ready to do it and almost felt sick enough to convince myself to do it...but in the end i just went back to laying down...that one i rather not get back into..but its always there i think...hanging out back behind all the other stuff i have to deal with..and just every so often it pops but out and i start wanting it and thinking its a good idea..and yeah...feeling a little bit stressed about my schedule next week..and i just need to sit down and figure out really what its going to be...i mean its a little easier not having one client because well i ahvent heard from her and well the whole jail incident...and then its just figuring out the preschool stuff and my regular clients and all of that..and i think once i just sit down and figure it out it will feel less stressful...
and then there is t next week..and for some reason im more focused on how much i owe..and she is being really nice with the fact that you know im not paying her currently and im just racking up a huge bill..and well with pdoc to that bill is essh..its all depressing to think about..and well i dont think the meds are as effective this time around...i know the meds wont fix everything but the meds arent even getting me to neutral right now...and i just feel so sad and depressed all the time..and a lot of time feeling suicidal too..and it just all sucks ...and maybe im just looking into things to much..i dont know..it just doesnt feel like anything is helping this time..and i do know i can sign up for the health benefits from my job around the 19th of october..and that is when ill be finding out how ive done with my probation periods..and go from there...what if ive screwed up something and im going to lose my jobs??ugh
mommy also brought up what my plans are going to be...am i going to stay in va or am i going to move again or what im going to do..and i couldnt say well i have no idea..i had to think of something..and well the truth would be i have no freaking idea what i want to do...you know for now im in va and im fine here..you know no real plans to go anywhere...my sister is possibly moving to pa and that is a stress for me..cas pa is farther away than nc.and i wont be able to just pick up and go see her..i would have to plan..and it would be a plane ticket involved most likely..and i dont know how that is going to work out just yet..her husband is off to do his interview this week..and well they will know soon if he has the job and if they will have to be looking at moving..and then i dont know....
maybe im just feeling lost all around...with everything that is going on and not going on...
just feel so frustrated with myself and my lack of motivation and everything and i dont know what to do to make it better..i want to make it better..i want to feel better and not feel so suicidal anymore...heck maybe just getting it to once a week would be good..i cant deal with this..and the more days that pass the less i feel like im actually dealing with...im just kinda managing to slip through and appear as pulled together as i can..but when im at home and in my apartment and i just spend hours laying on the floor not doing anything..or laying on the floor just thinking about dying..and not even having to motivation to get up inorder to overdose i really wonder about myself..and what im doing..if i wasnt working and didnt have to show up i really have to wonder if i would have ended up trying to seriously killing myself in the past few months..i dont know..and i try not to think about it to much cas its overwhelming and disappointing..and i am surrounded my counselors and ppl who work every day with other people who are dealing with this type of stuff..and im right smack in the middle of it and i can barely manage to keep it together..and more and more stuff gets piled on me..more things i have to do..more tasks i have to accomplish..theres not enough hours in the day and i feel like im just running around all the time and getting nowhere and doing nothing..and my days run together and i forget what i have done inorder to keep things going..and my schedule is constantly having to change in my head and i have to be so controlled to remember where im supposed to be..and i can show up..if its the last thing i do i will show up..but im just not connecting as much..i guess..and so im trying to write down what i need to do with my days..and how i need to get stuff done..and obviously i need more work with that..cas i did it for a day and then i lost track of it and didnt do it...and i i just feel so so out of my own life...i get through the day..and if i try to fade into the background ..but everyone needs me and it takes so much energy...and i want to hide...i really truly want to hide from work and i cant..i havent found the balance yet..maybe thats what the problem is..im looking for the balance and getting so very trapped in the process...maybe this week will be a little bit better...maybe this week ill manage things a little better...but how im feeling now..really doesnt make me feel like next week will be any better...and i know im in control of my mood and how im feeling and all that bs that i say a million times a day to clients and i wonder how any one can believe it..sometimes it really feels like im lying through my teeth when im trying to help someone else feel better..and i have to remember that its not about me at those times..cas thats when my stuff kinda gets in the way..and i end up struggling...i know there is some truth in it but i dont know where its at right now...i dont believe it for myself right now..and i dont want to hear it anymore..i almost just want to be left alone..but i know that will not be a good option at all...i have to go to work..i have to keep going because i am needed...im a part of something..and even if i might not feel like i matter or that im important or another negative thing that im currently thinking..i guess i can dredge up that its not the end of the world just yet..wow is there anything else i need to complain about...i do try not to complain and i really didnt realize so much was going on...
:(
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