soooo

i really wouldnt mind if the world ended like right now...i really wouldnt..drove myself up the wall with making phone calls this morning about therapy and i feel the need to say im going to regret actually setting up an appt but i did it..even though i really thought the phone grew horns while i was sitting there looking at it..good grief i can come up with some off the wall stuff when i really really dont want to do anything...but eventually i just had to yell at myself to calm down and call and once i got started some of the fear went away but it still pretty much sucked..and i therapy is killer expensive ..i dont know how ppl do it without insurance but then i guess im about to find out..called a bunch of places and asked for prices and there were some places that sounded really nice but im sorry i can not do like over a 100 bucks a session..i would have to save up to go to therapy! that makes no sense at all and you would think ppl could make it just a little bit cheaper..but the place i have an appointment at has a sliding scale based on income and well it helps that my income really isnt that impressive...not with other bills and everything..so i guess ill just have to go and see..and im trying not to worry so much but i am worried of course..and really really scared..but i think worrying about whether or not ill kill myself is a tad bit more important..maybe kinda sorta..but i did it and im not sure what i think about it just yet

i keep thinking that my old T would tell me she was proud of me..and when i dont agree with her she would ask me why i dont think so..and i have no idea really..im just not proud of myself at all right now