am really surprised that i feel more settled..but that is the way it worked before too..when i was forced into therapy. freak out before the appt and then calm down until it was time to go again..maybe this time around ill be able to stay calmer. really will have to work harder at talking though. i just hate the thought of spending the rest of my life in and out of therapy. hated it while i was in school, kinda hate it now..but its more of an indifference now..no i dont plan on mentioning to anyone that i am going again but ill go..hate that somehow i got around to thinking that therapy means ive failed in some big way becasue i need help..but at the same time i dont have a problem with anyone else being in therapy. go if you need it and i hope it helps..but darnit im not supposed to need help..im not supposed to crack under the pressure of everything..and i do all the time..its just done in such a way that no one even knows..or bothers to know and so it doesnt really matter..

isnt that all thats important though? what i come across as? if i look like a functioning adult in society then why would anyone really care about anything else? ive already graduated once from college, i have a job, i can kinda support myself..im doing what im expected to do..what im supposed to do..so as long as it is assumed that i have everything i want what is there to complain about? no guess theres not much to complain about from that stand point

but on to other stuff

still not feeling good..still have to do other stuff because mommy said so..inaddition to working today as usual..how is it that i never have time to myself unless its at night and then its so late i just want to go to bed..all i wanted today was the morning to myself to sleep in a little and get some stuff done for work and catch up on emails..but then im asked to take my nephew to look for a job..like i have nothing else to do with my time..like i dont have other things i need to get done..or even that i dont feel good and may not want to do anything until i have to go to work..no it doesnt work like that...and so my morning gets eaten up once again doing stuff for someone else and all my stuff i had to do just has to wait until later on..

did some art work lalst night..finally used my storage collage stuff ..so ill have to start looking again for pictures and things i want for later collages..