lately

decided to start this one here cas well if nothing else..i tend to ramble at times..

So been really out of sorts the past week or so..maybe i shouldnt do long trips again..dont know why coming back hadd such a big effect..dont know if coming back was the cause of the serious depression that it brung..no idea really but thinking about it yea coming back was just hard..

feeling sick and drained and just flat out tired right now..but also noticed that i hadnt done anything i have really liked or wanted to do for a couple weeks..disneyland doesnt count either lol..like no reading or doing art work..or really watching a movie just because i wanted to do it and not because i happened to be in the same room as someone watching tv..coloring doesnt count as much anymore cas i do that a lot at work..it keeps me busy and occupied but since i do it at work i dont want to do it at home as much..so maybe ill clean up my messed up room a bit and work on a collage or something..maybe it will help my mood some..

found out earlier this week..that well im going to disneyworld next month with the family i babysit for..a 4 day trip..and i am excited to go but at the same time im a little weary of going too..dont know why though cas this trip has been on and off for a couple years now..and there mom always said that when they went i was going too..and i am..and they are paying for me to go..and all i have to do is show up and spend 4 days playing pretty much..but in a way it is still a working trip you know..im being paid for my time with them for the most part..and heck im not complaining or anything but i dont know..maybe ill be feeling a bit more stable by the time we go..really hope i am!

went to therapy yesterday and it was ok..i was super super spazzing out and nervous and so inattentive without meaning to be..but i just couldnt really focus and my head was going a mile a mintue and i was distracted..and so she kept asking me questions and i had to keep asking her to repeat them cas i forgot what she asked..but willing to give her a try and see where it goes..she lowered her price a bit for me on the sliding scale and i do appreciate that but ill still have to start budgetting more carefully to make sure ill be able to afford it..so worried a bit about paying for next week but hoping it works out and ill be able to go to my appt..and then hopefully ill be a bit more stable in a couple months and ill know what to expect paycheck wise and it will be easier..so for now ill see how it goes..and until the doc pointed it out i really wasnt noticing how much i was/am working..theres not any time left for me to do anything really