just thinking

at some point i really do need to get to the bottom of why it is i hate therapy so much..and its not even therapy itsself its just that i have to go because i cant handle my stupid life alone..i dont think i handle anything as well as i like to think i do..yea im told im always so controlled but its all a big game sometimes..like how far can i go before i crack..or how far will i go before i do something really really stupid..and how long will it take for anyone to notice..i guess thats the big thing..no one notices..no one asks..im sure i wouldnt admit it anyway until it was freaking laid out in front of me and i had no other way out of saying ok theres something wrong..and even then im sure lying would cross my mind more than once..one just not saying anything would prolly work well too..cas i guess as long as im not just outright suicidal then its not such a big deal..so i guess in some ways my silence can protect me when i want it too..no one can make me talk..i cant even make me talk and its my thoughts im always fighting with in the first place..*sigh* sometimes it does seem so pointless you know..like why bother..because as some as it seems like everything is ok then darnit i better keep believing everything is ok..as i watch everything just keep falling apart..could be fun..could be stupid..i dont know really..i dont know how hard it is that i want to fight any of this because i did try..albeit half heartedly at most..occasionally i really worked on something only to not be able to talk about it..so i guess it doesnt count much..but i have worked on some things..and a lot of it i just ignore..i had a dream last night that i really did want to write about but woke up and couldnt remember it..but this was one dream where i wasnt the one being chased..i was doing something that involved someone getting hurt but it wasnt me..i think i was the good one ..oh i wish i could remember it..because it didnt scare me for once..but today once again i thought a bit more indepth about therapy and lack there of and its just my head is going so off the wall its not even cool anymore..if nothing else maybe therapy will help me stablize my moods a bit more...if i didnt know so wholeheartedly that i wasnt bipolar i would really question it..because its really not a good thing to be perfectly ok one minute and five minutes later im ready to just go to bed and stay..or i feel so alone and forgotten i dont know what to do with myself..or my incredibly poor impluse control.. i would like to say yea ive stopped cutting and purging but i hadnt even mastered that yet..i dont do it as often but its still there..i wonder if it makes me a bad person for not being in therapy when i know all this stuff and im not doing anything to make it better or more manageable? i dont want to be a zombie and i just dont want to go and be put on all this medication and hope it helps...i already know i cant handle doing meds..way too much of a temptation there...but i spent a lot of time in and out of therapy and i know what works when i care to admit it and know what doesnt work..but i guess it all comes down to whether im going to stick with it and spend the money to go and aactually do something..because it just feels like im slowly managing to drive myself crazy..and the constant up and down stuff is killing me..and then i just end up questioning everything and not able to really get any of it into words..or getting so mad at something and not being able to get it out..not counting cutting here..i dont know..maybe i just have way to much shame and guilt and fear to even bother with 'getting better'

im so jealous of the ppl who can talk and get things out without worrying about every little thing..or worrying if they will be in trouble of over something that happen 20 some odd years ago..not that i even remember..and thats the other part of things..i dont know how it is i have forgotten so much of my life but its like i wasnt there for most of it..try explaining that to someone..gee i dont remember doing all this stuff im told ive done and its like i just dont remember..any of it..i know a rough outline of my life and thats about it..some things i can clue in on and some things its like never happened..but it had to have happened because someone else is telling me about it..kinda sucks to forget your life

and then the whole acceptance part of things has to be considered too..i guess it would be easier if i didnt mind that i would be called a cutter or bulimic or whatever else someone could come up with..but i do mind..i mind a lot..and i cant even bare to call myself those..why would i be ok letting someone else call me them..and its so backwards because i chat with quite a few ppl who are one thing or another and it doesnt matter..geez ppl go to therapy all the time and it doesnt matter for them.but its a huge huge deal for me..it matters a lot what ppl think of me and i just get majorly paranoid about it..and tthat makes it even worse...because i already know i have scars..darn you would have to be blind to miss some of them..but i always question who looks at them and really really know how they got there and how just wonders but has no idea..because god who would ever think that I could cut myself? looks are everything right? and i guess i can come off as being rather normal when i want to be..ok almost all the time no one would give me a second glance..but its like if ppl really knew would they look harder? or question more? or just call me crazy..i know how acceptance works and i know im not doing it..because if i keep ignoring it and swearing up and down im ok then i will be and screw everythign else..but i guess it doesnt help that doing it that way also counts as just flat out lying to myself and everyone else? more so lying to myself is the big thing i guess..i cant really expect anyone else to accept if i cant even do it..and i already know i cant or wont do it.. dont know really what it will take to change that though..and that sucks..i was in the mall today and just happened to catch someone wearing one of the "to write love on her arms" tshirts..and that was a big deal because for anyone who has seen that site or anything relating to that then you know what its about..and so it was a bid deal but so so surprising becuase i never realized or considered that something like that would be such a big deal..and for ppl who dont know it deals with cutting..but i dont know..for as much as i want to promote awareness about various things i cant because i dont want any attention on me for why i would support somethings .. i dont want to have to explain myself or my views or anything..i want to be like everyone else and im not..i stand out without actually standing out in some ways..and in some ways its so easy for me to just disappear.and become invisible because i know how to do it..i know when to do it..


had an argument today with my sister and it left me wondering if i was controlling and stuff.. and it bothered me because i am so not controlling you know..i do everything im asked even if i dont want too..doesnt matter if i had other plans or not..and it was a back and forth thing because it was about how i never let them change the music in my car and how i always say its my car and so i can do that..it pissed me off because my car is one of the few things i have that i can call my own..i dont have a house, i dont have kids, all i have is dusti and my car..the two things i own in a sense..and maybe its rude of me to not let someone get in my car and start messing with the radio or taking my cds out but i hate when ppl do that..if i dont mind it then I will change the cd or put on the radio..but to have someone else get in my car and start complaining about MY music really gets on my nerves..im the one driving ..so shouldnt i be comfortable in my car? if i want to have junk all in my car isnt that my business and not the whole worlds?? why should it matter for the 20 or so mins u are in my car..i dont ask for much as all so why cant my car just be mine and not some one elses? why should i have to change what i like and am ok to make someone else comforable and happy when its something as stupid as music..and im sorry that i always mention having or not having gas but gas to too expensive and we live too far away from town to just be able to go back and forth to do stuff there..i cant afford to put $45 dollars in my tank twice a week as it is so lets not make it worse..im sorry if i have to put having gas so i can go to work above taking you to the store..its just not fair that i have to be put on the spot for stuff like this for absolutely no reason at all..i didnt think it was mean of me to like check money or gas before i say ill take someone somewhere..but maybe it is..maybe i really am just mean and selfish for not doing more than i already do for everyone..maybe im just so horrible it really doesnt matter one way or another what i want..

so i just dont know what im going to do..i dont know what i want to do and i really just wish there was someone to tell me exactly what i needed to do..so i wouldnt have to decide..but i guess this time around it just has to be my decision and no one elses right? it doesnt work if its forced..at least i can remember that..but it was just so much easier when i had no choice in the matter...