i was having a good day..i really really was..once yvonne got here i was ok and calm and everything..and we watched a movie with everyone and then we played taboo becuase we had enough ppl..and i was still ok..bit on edge about mommmy coming home but oh well..and the drive to the resturant was fine..it was me, nia and yvonne in my car..and most of the way we talked about a lot of different stuff...but then we got to dinner..and i just started to fall apart in some way that i dont understand completely..its just there are 6 ppl at the table and its like i wasnt even there after a while..everyone talked and i tried to add stuff but its like i wasnt being heard..so i just kinda faded into the background..listened and was just there but without being there..its like i dont fit into my own family..im not loud enough..im not happy enough..i tried really really hard today to stay happy and it just didnt work..maybe i cant be happy..i dont know..just feel like crying because its like nothing is ever good enough..and no matter what i do im not able to keep up the image for long and in the end something always gives and im just left feeling lost..feel stupid for not being able to be present i guess and stay ok...it was really important to do that today and i failed
b/p this morning...cant remember the last time i did that..maybe a couple months..i dont know..seems to be a failing sort of day
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