stupid me

i was really dumb enough to think that paying bills was the most important thing..that saving what i could to make sure i was keeping up with bills even though i didnt have a real job was what i was supposed to do..but i guess i was wrong..and now with my bank account all messed up and my car insurance about to be sent back its like now mommy has to bring up how much she has helped me and loaned me money in the past and like when i was moving and how i hadnt paid any of it back and that ive been making money and obviously just blowing it on junk or something because i should have had more and i guess i just pretty much suck for not paying more attention and offering to help more and give her what i was making from babysitting..i thought i was doing good because i was managing bills and thing a little bit and wasnt having to ask her to borrow money..but then all the stuff that she was buying for me that i wasnt asking for she was adding up anyway..and so its like shes spending all her extra money to buy me a couple shirts that i didnt want or need but cant turn around and give back now ..but now it all gets thrown back at me..the one time i really dont have money and im waiting for account to get straightened out and now she wants to talk about what ive been doing with all my money..i want to ask how it is she can get info on my bills without me around and then tell me what i should be paying and that ive been laying about how much money i really had..and i just want to tell her its not any of her business what im making or not making or what im paying and trying to take care of..if its about me then why in the hell can she get ppl to pull up my info in the first place? and then i go and call and stuff to ask about my account or insurance or something and she turns around after telling me to call and she calls and then comes back and tells me all this stuff i already knew but now feel stupid about because somehow she always manages to do it better than me and has to tell me what to do..and so now my acount is messed up and its my fault and i cant fix it..and out of no where she just asks me to bring her something at work and as soon as she says that she wants to talk to me i know im in trouble..i feel stupider for not figuring it out before i managed to get here..i would have stayed at home but i guess it wouldnt have mattered because she would have had her say in the end anyway..and so it was like being in another meeting where all im left doing is defending myself and what ive done..god i bought a new webkinz..that was such a stupid idea on my part..i mean why would i even consider buying something i like and just want to have for once..stupid me for not offering to help out more at home..even though im always the one taking ut the trash or cleaning the bathrooms and the kitchen and its not like im looking for a thanks or anything but at least an acknowledgment would be nice..but thats too much to ask and so i tell myself it doesnt matter and i dont care..and its not like i can get away with not doing because god she sure noticed when i didnt clean upstairs..doesnt matter that the ppl were in there working on the electrical stuff most of the day and then i left o babysit ..but yea i got a call later telling me how much of a disappointment it was that i was at home and left without cleaning up and its not like im not asked to do a lot but i can do what little im asked to do..every stupid thing makes me a loser and im not trying hard enough to be good and do what im supposed to do..and so its like why try..why bother doing anything..its really hard explaining to someone else how it is that i have to do what im told or the world might as well just end and kill me in the process..it doesnt make sense to anyone else andmost of the time i just try not to think about it..but then i have a morning like this morning and everything just feels like its crashing down on my head and im trying to work and stay busy and do what i thought i was supposed to do just to have it all turned around and im not doing enough..im not helping enough..and its like i have to remind myself to stay in my place and not forget what it is im expected to be and what im expected to do..and none of it revolves around me at all..as i was told today also..the world doesnt revolve around me..its not like i ask for anything at all and i dont ask to go anywhere or do anything extra and if im not running errands for mommy then i can almost always be found at home..i dont even think ill be going back to greenville anymore because i really dont want to be around anyone right now but also because i just keep thinking i will bring it up and mommy will just pull out this bill of things i owe her and have to pay on before i can do anything else..already im trying to figure out when i can babysit and how ill have to break up the money i make..i cant think about the future because im afraid it will make me suicidal again..i dont even want to think about this afternoon anymore..i was happy about going to work and now its all i can do not to cry right now..because ive been stuck at dees all morning with money and im waiting for her to get back..and there where things i wanted to do at home and i wont have time to do anything..ill just be able to go home and change and then head back out to go to work..what i wanted to do wasnt important enough anyway..soo why bother..all i want to do right now is just hide or disappear or anything that will make me stop hurting ..if i could be invisible i would..all morning its like dont cry because you know if she sees me crying she will call me a baby and tell me to stop because i have nothing to cry for and shes trying to talk to me like an adult..well gee i never realized this was how adults talk so sorry for me once again being stupid and clueless about something..forcing back all the thoughts and feelings running through my head..ive almost mastered feeling numb again..might as well not talk until im spoken to and if i could get away with not breathing i wouldnt do that either..because some how i just manage to attract trouble and even when im not doing anything im blamed some how..how much trouble can one person get into ? i want to be left alone..i want everyone to pretend i dont exist..i want to go away..i just want to be there without really being there..and im trying to remember how i managed that before ..and first thing is cutting..and i know if im going for empty that works awfully well and i dont care enough right now to even talk myself out of that one..i really dont care at all..im just here to be walked on so not a huge deal what i do when no one bothers noticing anyway..just have to tell myself i cant really just die right now..go back to walking that fine line between living and dying..and i have to be happy and ok for work and then turn into a zombie when im at home because otherwise im just being mean or loud or something..i really am nothing and i guess it just makes me even stupider to keep forgetting that..go back to im fine mode..all i have to do is enough to make it through the day..i dont do more than that anyway