off day

dont know..feeling a bit sad today..anxious about everything and worrying about everything..lots of thoughts going around my head..wondering if thing will work out and what im supposed to be doing with my life..gotta love that question floating around in my head..because when im forced to relook at me life i dont really like what i see ..cant really base it on what i remember..but what i see its like i dont know..theres not enough fun..enough acceptance..just not enough of anything really..in passing i get glimpses of things i love..things i had fun doing, of hugs, and safety and just a bit of love..and then they are gone again..slipping through my fingers..always just out of my grasp and so i cant hold on to anything..sometimes i reread of of my happy times..like writing about key west the other day made me happy..i could feel all the laughter and smiles i had down there..all the nights my coworker told me he wouldnt leave me alone while we were out..all the times the guys we met told me oh much he talked about me and looked after me even if i didnt see him for a few hours..sure it was a bit weird being tucked in by a guy i didnt know but my coworker was still there to make sure i was ok (long story on that one)..and i can still remember our trip to cumberland is..i remember how much fun it was and how happy i was there..i remember the long long drive back and how we spent hours talking on the bus about movies and books..2 hours devoted to harry potter and breaking down the movies and the characters and then plots..we talked about romeo and juliet and venice beach and the remake of that movie..tv shows and camp and everything until i had to turn around and sit correctly in my seat because it was getting dark and i couldnt see the kids as well..but once i stop actively thinking about things like that they just go away..its like they never happened and if i look to hard ill never find them again.. i dont want to lose the little things i remember..then its like i have nothing to be happy for at all

im jealous i guess..im missing my old job a lot right now..and i dont even think its the job as much as missing the kids i worked with and the planning and fun of expecting to see them again over the summer when i did work there..and now on facebook i see the tali group again being active and im not apart of that world anymore..i wont be telling the funny stories or talking about ways to deal with the kids who are harder to work with..i wont be around the ppl i liked again or in the atmosphere i liked..but i also cant forget why it is i left in the first place and how i was treated..i dont want that again..and i know i wont ever be able to let that go enough to go back..but a part of me really really misses it..