which ive decided i really need to stop doing..lots of stuff in my head lately and im not even sure what i really want to write about..im getting tired of writing about mommy nad everything that goes on with her but i guess being at home makes her a big part of daily life..how utterly depressing it is to go out to dinner on vday with the one person i really dont like being around..most of my day was spent running around doing stuff for work and trying to fix nias comp and it seems to be working now so im hoping it will hold out until im done writing this at least..but the dinner out was my vday present from mommy and she asked this morning and of course in a way that made it almost impossible to say no without seeming like a flat out not so nice person..so i went and it was a lot of being asked questions i didnt want to answer and suddenly having a job with so many hipaa rules seems like a grand idea! but its like she could care less about my actually job..all she wants to know is how much im mamking and prooceeds to ask me that anytime i mention getting a new client or someone new to work with or even if im just shadowing someone..its just a pain..and when i told her all she asks about is how much im told shes doing it just to make sure i know what im being paid..well gee i would hope i knew or had some idea..but oh well..just kinda sucks to be talking about the weather and im trying to say that it was warmer when i left the house without a coat and wasnt expecting the temp to drop and she just keeps telling me how cold it was and what the temp was..and finally i got the picture and stopped trying to say it was warmer..pretty much stopped talking then..well i now remember why it is i dont talk alot..kinda stupid how really simple it all is..behaviors have to come ffrom somewhere right..
hmmm ive enjoyed working this week at least..my fillin job is actually a lot of fun minus the paperwork stuff..try hard to keep home stuff away from job stuff because i dont want the two to mix at all..so im enjoying it and today i had a meeting with the family i may be working with on a reg basis and im hoping to hear back from my supervisor tomorrow or next week to get started..i have more extra work for next week and can possibly keep filling in for a bit longer if im needed..and i got my first baby this week :) im still shadowing but i have a baby! he was really sweet even if i wasnt doing anything but watching last time..slowly my schedule is filling up and ill be happy when its set but for now i dont mind doing fillin work either..i swear ive doe more stuff with my 14yr old this week than i have in weeks..even if it is forr only little bits of time and i know im doing it for him..i thikn its good for me to get out too..because then im forced to do stuff and not hide in the house all day..im hoping this job will help me start talking more but if not i gu ess ill have to go to therapy...at some point..again..but anyway..im liking my job..its like i matter again just a little bit and my degree matters and its like im doing something good and not wasting away behind a desk..because for some reason i cant stand steady 9 to 5 at all
my head has been a millioin miles away this week..like everything just went away for a while and nothing was ever going to make anything better..and true i still feel really hopeless and upset about a lot of stuff and empty about all the rest..im still doing what i have to do i guess..and thats the important thing..at least for now anyway..i need to keep doing everything im supposed to be doing because then i stop thinking about everything else for a bit..im actually considering becoming a vegan just for the abusrdness of it..not for forever but only for a year or so to see if i can do it or not..and i say vegan because thats as strict as it can be and then i cant bend the rules and stuff..for now im just thinking about it but i think i will within the next week or so then ill be forrced to eat healthy and pay attention and quit binging..actually thought about purging this afternoon and couldnt but it wasnt fun even thinking about it
nia is in cali now and i hope she has a good time but still im jealous she got to go and im stuck here
been really forgetfull lately..as soon as i hear something i forget it when i move on to something else..more so with mommy when shes telling me stuff on the phone and that i have to do it and then i hang up and forget everything she said until hours later when suddenly its like darnit i forgot to do blahblahblah and instantly i think of being in trouble and getting yelled at and so i rush to cath up and do what im supposed to..
its getting chilly again..so i guess ill go because nias room is cold and i dont want to push my luck and the net starts acting up again..
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