food issues galore

sometimes im just left to wonder if she does some of these things on purpose you know? because she knows ill give an actual reaction to what is being said some times maybe she constantly tells me i suck or i should do thisor i need to keep looking for a job or lose weight because she wants me to be 'sick' in a way so that i will have to keep depending on her in some sort of way without it seeming like i am this morning we had another talk ..this time it was about how im not making enough and how i need to keep looking for a job with benefits and how i need to lose weight and should change my diet and she knows why i gained weight and all this stuff..i know now it was very stupid of me to mention last night that all she does is ask how much im making..because then she had all night to think about it and then this morning i got a talk about how shes only doing it because she wants to make sure im making what im supposed to make. first im making more now than i was at my other job..and i dont plan on working here more than a year and a half full time because of wanting to go back to school..if i suddenly die between now and then because i dont have health insurance then i guess thats just to bad..considering how much ive been thinking about dying id say health insurance is the least of my worries right now but anyway when it got onto the subject of that im not losing weight fast enough i wondered why it has to matter so much first off but then of course she had to throw in all the junk about how its unhealthy and how i was doing much better a couple years ago and how the docs have talked to me about it in the past and its like gee make me feel better why dont you..and then it went to you know your eating ot many carbs and need to stop and you need to exercise and i wonder if she would say anything if i asked if it was ok to start throwing up my food again or hiding it or just not eating period..what would she have to say on that? would i get more tips on how to not eat and what i should and shouldnt eat? would that make it any better? i hate how she can pull up the parts of me that just live to do what she asks and if she says dont eat then they wont..if she said go jump off a bridge im sure it would be taken into consideration..and so we talked about being vegetarian and what it meant giving up and now mommy is saying she is going to become a vegetarian and stop eating meat and stuff and so she can do it with me and diet and theres going to be a competition to see who can lose the most weight and all this stuff came up..and i mentioned i was thinking of becoming vegan and i just wanted to scream at myself to shut up because i didnt want her to know that just yet but now she does and i guess shes just thrilled about it because thats one more way for her to boast about me being healthier and losing weight..but what she fails to realize is that i dont eat vegetables and could care less about them..and it makes being a vegan a lot harder because its like well i dont like soy milk ( ive actually tried it and almond milk also before) i dont like soy cheese, i dont like tofu ..do we see a trend here?! god saying im vegan is like saying i might as well just not eat and save myself the trouble of stressing over what we can and cant have..but since thats not going to happen it seems i have a week to figure it all out yea part of me wondered if i could do it which is why we had been talking about it in the first place but i wasnt sure i was a ctually going to do it and now its like god someone said it and it cant be taken back now and so once again im roped into doing something im not sure i want to do..and she is going to 'mention' it to my younger sister to see if she wants to do it too..and i know my sister she will say no but mommy will push and push until she agrees and then she will just eat meat when mommy isnt around..which would make the whole thing pointless but thats just how mommy works..she will push until she wins and then its just a matter of how well you can hide i guess..i dont know its makes all the days and months of being ok and not purging seem like a waste..like i should have just stuck with it and not bothered to stop..whats the point of trying if in the end im going to be asked to possibly do it again and its not even about possibly being asked i guess..its more like being given the chance to do it again with little reprocussion in a way..like here you can have an eating disorder as long as you stick to these guidelines about it..