Hmm I guess ive wasted enough time haven’t i…and now its time to write..because my head is getting rather full of so many different thoughts and ideas and feelings and worry and stress..and just all of it..i guess you could say that in some ways this weekend has been full of self care..on some broad level lol..i mean ive been taking it extremely easy..allowing my body to adjust to the meds and getting them back in my system..ive been sleeping a lot…reading..playing games…watching movies….yes im bored out of my mind..but im just trying so hard to take it a day at a time…but then with all of my self imposed down time ive had lots of time to think about things…trying to figure out things…I don’t know..im worried about money of course..and yeah that’s part of why im suddenly all gung ho about self care and staying put and relaxing..but really im broke..and if that’s what it takes to get me to chill out then so be it…but I mean I have been feeling stressed and overly tired..i really have..and I know that with my job and everything I have to be careful about feeling burnt out and overworked..but on a whole im not over worked I don’t think..its just a lot of seeing other ppl..and a lot of dealing with other ppl and there problems and its just hard sometimes you know …so im not sorry at all for taking a few days off of work and just not doing anything…I was going to go insane and with my meds all messed up..i was not in my right frame of mind at all..and I knew that..and well yeah I needed to do something…
Right now my biggest worry is of course bills and money ..and once again im looking at paying the bills I need to pay and paying my rent late..again..ugh…or paying my rent and mommy and not paying anything else..and the more I try to figure it out and work it out the more I realize that im going to end up paying my rent late…I owe to much for a couple bills to get out of not paying them at the beginning of the month…and I owe a couple ppl that I need to pay…and well I don’t like my bill ppls calling my job..and so I was real quick to set something up with them..i really was..and so its like I promise and promise and promise to pay all this stuff and theres just no money you know…and for as comforting as it is to know that im getting paid every two weeks..at the same time I hate it..because its just more money to go towards bills and im trying so hard to get as many hours as I can you know..because I know I have a lot of bills still to catch up on..and I just feel like im so behind..that I just stay behind..and so im working on creating a budget for myself..and sticking to it..no kidding or messing around this time…I realized that once again this almost 2 weeks of absolutely no money could have been avoided if I had planned it better.if I had realized that I needed a freaking plan…and of course im completely out of money..i have nothing in savings and my checking is negative and so im like..just worried you know..and I still have 2 and a half days before I get paid to get through..and im trying to plan out and stretch what I have at home with like food and stuff but even that is like running ridicously low..and im frustrated majorly at myself for screwing up so badly this month…I really am..and so no im determinded to fix it…it figure out where my money is going..to use my money for what I need and not on getting fast food..because if I want to be real honest ..i know that my impulse spending ..on like fast food, and books and what not..is over the top..it really is..and that I need to get that under control..i know that I need to start focusing on saving and bills and all of that ..or else I wont have a place to live or be able to pay bills..and yeah last month I got real close to having my electricity turned off ..cas of my bill being so freaking expensive..my bill for june is expensive too but I know its got to be paid and I know I need to stop asking for extensions and stop messing around you know…and in all of my messy money situation..i refused to ask mommy for money…I did..and I just know she doesn’t have it..and that henry needs help more than I do..and that yeah mommy would have figured out a way to give me some money..but would I have learned my lesson? Would I have not done the same thing 3 months down the line and will still be looking to be bailed out…and I think that is where a boundary needs to be put into place with mommy and me….i cant keep going to her for handouts..i cant keep asking her to fix my mistakes ..and I have made some big ones..and im currently sitting on a major mistake that I keep putting off..and will lead to all sorts of trouble if I don’t get it taken care of next month…stuff like that you know..cas I know she will complain and yell at me and put me down for being stupid and knowing better and everything..but she would get the money to me..and I need to stop depending on her..so I have suffered and tried my hardest to get by the past couple weeks without asking her for anything … I asked my sister and brother and they couldn’t help me ..so ive managed…some how..and I just keep reminding myself that I get paid next week..that some of the stress will be off next week..and that things will be a bit more manageable at least.. –sigh- so that is where im at with all of that…
I think im feeling more positive the past couple days..things may suck horribly..but with sleep and relaxation..i just keep thinking ‘it is what it is” .. I cant make money fall into my lap..and I have to pay what I can when I get paid and that’s all I can do you know..i cant do any more than that…
Ive been thinking a lot about my supervisor who is leaving and I kinda feel like it is my fault..like because ive talked to linda about how I feel about her and all of that..and some how she is leaving because of that…my ususal in my head thinking about her has changed big time..and I feel super hurt and sad over it..i don’t want her to leave but I don’t know how to ask her to stay…I cant ask her to stay..thats not professional at all..and because she has no idea how I feel about her..so the whole thing is prolly a lot messier for me L and im just having a hard time dealing and accepting that shes leaving ..and that this will be her last week with the agency..and then of course im worried about the new person they will get…will they be nice..will they be easy to talk to..will I be comfortable with them…I was comfortable with her..i really was..i could talk to her most of the time..and she made me laugh and put up with my odd quirks I guess…and she told me that I could stay in touch..but will I see her anymore? Will I still be able to talk to her? I get overwhelmed thinking about all of the feelings and all of the fear around it..and I know she is leaving and I understand it doesn’t have a thing to do with me…I understand that..but my heart and my head just aren’t on the same wavelength..my heart hurts by her leaving..and I don’t think I can even tell her ever why that is..or why it is that I want to beg her to stay ..or beg her to take me with her..im not a child..and I should be able to handle myself..and to handle my feelings and I cant..all I feel is sad and overwhelmed..
You know im taking my meds like im supposed to for the most part..im out of trazodone again..and out of my birth control..but ive been out of that for months..and im hoping that ill be able to get them both filled next month..so that ill be back on track with everything…ive been thinking a lot about food and what not lately..mostly cas of not having much..joy…but well ive had salad a few times..from places and they were pretty good..and I want them ..crap I think I had a dream about my salad from martins lol..it was pretty bad lol..but the salad I made was awesome..and just with not being able to get fast food lately..and not drinking soda so much and all of that..and its like wow I can do this…I really can..i have a plan for going to the grocery store and ill have a list..and well yeah…theres so much that I need to work on you know…food wise..nutrition wise..all of that…I mean I think ive lost the 6 pds I gained last month..and that’s all good and well but if I get paid and go out of control with my food again..then the same thing will happen..and that’s just not ok…I want to lose weight..not gain weight…but that’s one of my goals you know..to get a grip on my eating and not just go overboard to get back at mommy and her trying to tell me what to do…that’s not smart or good or sensible at all..
And you know what else…ive been thinking a bit about my plans for life and what they are…im thinking I want to go back to school..im thinking I want to move..im just thinking for now you know..wondering what it is that I want from life..and where my life is going to take me…if I can manage at the job I have now for another year that would be awesome..and then maybe ill look at moving again or changing jobs or something…for now im ok with my job and my pay you know…if I can just catch up and stay caught up then things wouldn’t be so bad..and so stressed…ive also been thinking about the lpc course and getting that license..which would be pretty cool..but I need to do way more research on that..and figure out how that will work out..and what ill be looking at with like school and courses and of course money..and I realize that ill be 28 this year…what do I have to show for it? Im still struggling and fighting and trying to get a grip on myself and my life…I don’t have a house or kids or anything and I know that stuff isn’t important for like doing well in life..but I do want kids..and to get kids I need to get a better handle on myself..i need to get healthy and actually start taking care of myself and doing what I need to do..gosh ive been talking about babies so much lately..and being around my clients baby and working with the younger kids..and so much to do with kids and children and babies..and I feel so left out…like I missing out on something..but fear stops me too..knowing that im not safe to have a child…worrying that im not safe to have a child..who in their right minds would trust me with a child?? It would take one exam for everyone to see the scars and to know that im crazy..and not ok…and also the fact that pregnancy and anti depressants do not go hand in hand…so there is a lot that I need to get in order before that happens…and fear aside I do want a baby..i don’t want a husband..i don’t want to be married..i just want a baby..isnt it interesting that ive never been one to want the married life..or a husband..i was positive I was going to have kids…two kids and that was it..no dreams of the perfect marriage..of the perfect family with a husband, kids and a well my two spoiled cats…no it was just the kids I wanted..someone to love me unconditionally with no strings attached…I think I still want that..in some ways..but fear and not being completely sane on the time has stopped those dreams anyway…everyone tells me ill be great with kids..or why I don’t have any kids..and what am I supposed to say? Oh well im still a bit crazy so no kids for me..or I was molested as a kid and am not comfortable with sex so im not going to have kids…or I guess the biggest and most embarrassing one of all..is that im just afraid that ill spazz out and hit my kids so much that they will hate me…that is the biggest stopper when it comes to thinking about wanting and having kids for me…I don’t trust myself..and I guess that’s the bottom line…it doesn’t matter what anyone else tells me ..or what anyone else believes…I just don’t trust myself to have and raise a baby because of my own past..and being afraid that it will just repeat itself…I wouldn’t do that to a kid…I really wouldn’t L
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