is it ok to admit defeat? to just say screw it all..and that ill do what i have to do inorder to get by?? i just want to say that im done..and im tired and upset..and i dont know..sometimes it really just doesnt feel like its worth it anymore..to try anymore..to do anything anymore..and its like some deep dark fear was confirmed today and its like..great..thats just want i needed..thanks alot u stupid doctor
today has sucked big time...royally big time sucked..and im tired...i saw a doctor this morning..and was told pretty much that i am fine physically..that all of my blood work came back normal...she told me that my problems arent physical..she said they are all mental..and that i neeed to see a psychatrist..that i need to get in as soon as possible..i have a pdoc but i cant afford to see her..and my meds are high yes..but the doc saying they were way to high made me feel crazy..being with the doc in general this morning just made me feel crazy..made me feel like i just cant be helped..and i just feel like im crazy and stupid..and it was upsetting to be with this particular doc..and i dont want to ever see her again..i really dont..she was unhelpful and really invalidating..and so what did i do ? i put on my biggest most fake smile and sat through my time with her..agreed to what she said..said i would go to the other place and get the intake junk started to get in to see a pdoc..and went on my way...the doc also pulled religion into it..told me i needed to go to church..told me that i needed god not meds..well that god would be more helpful than meds..something along the lines of god and meds and them not being used together..i dont know..i mean by now ive warped in my head anyway...to me i was told this morning that i am mental..that im crazy..that the help i need just cant be found..and its a sad sad thing to feel like that..to believe that is what she said..and what she meant..and i dont know..i know that part of me has taken it all and run with it..but part of me knows that what she said wasnt right or fair at all...i dont need my doctor telling me to go to church..i dont need my doctor implying that i am crazy..i dont ..i dont want to feel the need to explain myself with my doctor..and i felt really defensive..and that lead to me shutting up really fast..i cant deal with that ...i really cant..i dont like talking about religion and i dont really talk about it at all..its not easy for me to talk about or involve myself in..and im just not comfortable with it..and to have my doctor tell me to call my pastor as i was leaving made me want to scream..i was madder when i left than when i arrived..and i really didnt get my real issue that i needed to talk about today done..and i dont know..the whole thing really bothers me..and its like ok fine..yes im crazy..i dont know what i was thinking you know..maybe i just need to say screw it to everything..stop the medication..stop with pdoc and with therapy..and just deal with it on my own..ill just decide to be happy since thats what it feels like the doc is pushing on me...the doc asked if i really had anything to be depressed about ?!?!?! wth ??!! im sure the other doc i saw wrote loads and loads of notes from our talk about my depression and how i was feeling and all of it..i explained that there was abuse in my history..i told her that i was seeing a pdoc and was on meds and all of it..and the doc i saw today had the nerve to ask me if i had anything to be depressed about?!?! is that how it is going to be? am i making this up? does it look like im making this up?? do i need to have open cuts so that my doctor will believe that i need help? what do i need to do to be believed? what do i need to show? am i managing to well? am i really going to go back to my old coping skill..im already called crazy so do i need to act the part?? im just going home...need to take meds anyway..
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