pulling away...

i know that it is happening...im starting to pull away from people..from everything really..i go to work now and that is about all..im not often calling anyone and talking so that hasnt changed..i mean really if its not mommy or nia or work or bills you wont find me on the phone at all..i text some..but lately i find that people are busy with their own lives and dont need me butting in...i feel sad and closed off...i feel at odds with myself really..i want to be left alone but at the same time i want to be surrounded by people who care and who notice me..and who can tell me over and over that i matter and that im important and needed and wanted...and since that cant happen..and its just me and my thoughts..then yes i am back to feeling very alone..and maybe this is because my head is just not comfortable lately..or maybe that i am still feeling sick and cranky...or maybe its that im afraid t will drop me because im doing better...i want her to see that i am doing better..but that would be lying to her...i dont want to see her next week..because i dont want to tell her what ive been up to..or that im still feeling suicidal ..very suicidal a couple days a week..or that i cut again last week..or that in general my mood has been very dark and negative and that mommy is feeding it big time..and well im in passive agressive mode a lot lately..and i hear mommy and turn it around cas well thats what i do..and well mommy is all o ver me lately about money and bill and owing her..and giving her money..and dieting and not eating..and i could almost swear that if she had it her way i would be a vegetarian again and i would be prolly borderline anorexic..and binging and purging again..i do work at not purging anymore because it hurts..and im very very ashamed about it...im more ashamed of the purging than the cutting...and i just want to talk so very much but im afraid of what to say..or i tell myself over and over that i have nothing to say..and goodness im just messing things up again...im not ok but i am ok..im managing against all of my wishes i am managing and i hate that..i just want to fall apart and be taken care of.just for a little while..but i have to take care of myself..i have to be an adult and do all the a dult stuff...and that means being responsible and going to work and talking and doing paperwork and taking care of bounce and taji and staying alive..even though i see no point in it..linda would tell me that im in one of my bad downward spikes..and she wouldnt be wrong...and im like well gee now is as good a time as any to go and do the intake for rbha but i dont want to talk to a doc about how im feeling cas it wouldnt be good..and well i dont feel comfortable going there and not feeling in control of myself because they do have the power to stick me in the hospital if im not in control..but i am depressed...suicidal..sad..disappointed ..in everything..self medicating big time with food and meds..and just trying to force myself to get through the day..forcing myself to get up and get dressed and do things...when i want to lay in bed..or i dont want to see clients because i dont feel like chasing them down..or having ppl cancel...last night i saw  my 6yr old and it was fun..but i had to leave..and go back to my lonliness when i was finished...i saw my supervisor yesterday and gosh i wanted to talk to her..so very much..but even with her i find myself pulling back..being unsure of what is ok to tell her..i c ant tell her that i feel like im falling apart..i cant tell my other supervisor that having 5 clients is a little overwhelming...i had to prove to myself yesterday that i could do the paperwork..and turn it in..all of the paperwork..i have to prove that i can do the work..that i am not going to fall apart..that im able to manage 5 clients and life outside of work...but what happens if i cant manage?  what am i going to do?  mommy is pushing for me to get another job..for me to come home more often..and i just cant deal with her in addition to everything else..she asks how im doing and i say fine...she wants to knkow what im up to and i say nothing..what do i do with my time??  we talked about suicide yersterday in the staff meeting and i hid in the bathroom for a few minutes because i felt like crying...i have my braclets on and they cover the scars on my wrist if i remember to keep them on and not move my arm around...the scars are healing..and they no longer hurt atall..and i miss the pain..i want the pain..i want something..but im not supposed to cut..im not suppsoed to hurt..how can i make t understand that i deserve it? that i ahve to do it sometimes?  that sometimes the release and the quiet is all that i want..and that cutting is the only thing that gives it to me?  yes i guess that makes me crazy..mentally unstable...stupid..dumb...lost...i dont want to see t anymore..im all better you know..i can fake it well enough to get by..i can keep faking it until i just cant anymroe you know..but im just so tired of faking and pretending and feeling so lost and confused with my thoughts and in my head..and i want to hide ..go away..get away from everything...

i thought taji would fix me...i thought bounce would fix me..that having something that depends on me to stay alive would keep me grounded..would help me...but its not fixing me..keeping me busy and entertained yes...but a fix all ..no :(...

ive messed up this month...money wise..and im trying to pay bills with money i dont have...realized i have forgotten bills..paid other things in place of bills..and now this month is shakey...and im trying to hang on till my next check so that i can pay other stuff..and hope that everything will work out...hope that i wont be in to much trouble...hoping that somehow ill be able to manage to hang on enough to just catch up...but as usual its just a month to month thing..a pay check to pay check thing..and i cant manage...completely forgot about my storage and im almost ready to just let them take it and sale all my junk..but no..i have to call today and set something up..i have to make so many phone calls that it makes my head hurt..i need more time with everything..i just keep messing up...

i have to go...i need to go home and get some cleaning done..laundry done...actually fix dinner and not get take out yet again..just need to go home...