this has not been a good day..this has not been a good week..last week wasnt good..the weekend wasnt good..i want to cry because my arm is so stiff and sore and its my fault for cutting..im upset because i cant focus and i cant get my work done and i want to just sit some where and think and think and think and try to get my head together..and instead im trying to work and cant..i just want to go home..im tired and worn out and just struggling..meds are all screwed up and i feel sick..i lose focus every afternoon like clockwork..i get headaches and just need to lay down and try to focus on something..anything...things are just feeling all scrwed up and out of focus and hard..i cant seem to do anything lately and im feeling like a failure and just not sure how to fix myself..im frustrated..im tired...im sad..you know today for a while i wished i could feel angry..real honest to goodness angry..i want to be able to be mad and just be mad..not mad and guilty or mad and shamed..i want to feel mad but i dont know why...i have so much i want to talk to t about tomorrow and so much that i am so scared to talk about...the whole think with my supervisor is one thing..but the thing that made me cut last night was my inability to process what i was thinking about ..and i got scared..and sad and just afraid of everything and afraid of what i was thinking about and feeling ..and just couldnt get the words to fcome..i tried distracting myself..i tried staying busy..i tried..i did..and nothing worked..and i was just feeling so badly and i just wanted something to happen..something to make it go away..i just wanted a little bit of relief..and i wanted the pain...underneath all of it i wanted the pain..i still want the pain..i still want to hurt...i want to do so many things to myself and none of them are good...im worried about getting through this week in one piece...i really truly am..and on wed i have to try for the assessment...and then ill have to try thursday..im going crazy right now..i feel crazy and out of control and so so tired..i want to give up..im not completely suicidal ..i just want to hurt..i dont want to feel anything else..im tired of feeling things...
supervisor told me that two kids cant abuse each other...i dont agree with her..and that is causing me a lot of unrest...because of what happened before...im afraid ..i was forced..i was held down..were we the same age? was i younger ? older? i dont remember...i dont want to remember..but i do remember...isnt that the suckish part..that no amount of pretending can save me...it never could i guess..but then i guess thats what cuttings for...i need a way to escape my mind..a way to get away from myself for just a little while..but that means telling linda when i see her tomorrow..and then who knows..maybe if i tell her im crazy she will just have me committed and i can stop fighting it...maybe thats what i need..im tired of fighting you know..i rreally..am..and i just feel so alone and trapped and stuck...very very stuck :( i guess i better try to get some more work done..im running out of time..and then ill just be fired for being so suckish and stupid...yeah..irrational stuff is at an all time high right now...
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