not doing so hot

went to pick up meds this morning and its the wrong dose..so i have to talk to the doc tomorrow and see about getting that fixed...at the dose they gave me ill be out of meds in like a couple weeks...its 6 pills to get up to the dose i usually take...fun!

major headache right now...lots of upset feelings and lots of stress and fear going on right now...

tired...have i mentioned tired..not sur what the day is going to bring..cas i may get some really bad news..and still will be screwed money wise...craptastic...stinks everyone is having to deal with craptastic stuff...didnt take part of my meds this morning and so am still feeling pretty bad..and very back and forth with my thinking and what not...like my irrational thinking is at an all time high right now..and im feeling very easily triggered...crap i am triggered and i just want to go home and cut and i cant really pinpoint who the urge is coming from..cant tell if its just me or not....
..and well my boss personally loaned me the money..and i have to give it back to her in a couple weeks when i get paid again..and of course im already worring big time about my check and how all of that is going to play out becasue well i just dont have all the money that i need right now..and well things are getting a bit messy on the money front..and my upped hours wont even really be noticed pay check wise until the middle of june..and so im just struggling with it all right now..and i still owe everyone under the sun money and im just i dont know..trying to manage and just failing miserably you know..i wonder what it is that i am managing to pay and im not freaking sure anymore..im really not...

i did end up turning down a case at work yesterday and so im still at 5 ppl and that is ok..and im managing i guess to fit everyone in that i can..and its just i dont know..i feel like i need to be doing more..i need to have another job..i need to be trying harder..i need i need i need..theres jut so much that i need to do and i keep messing up and i keep being a failure..and i cant manage to get anything done..and i swear if i have to call mommy today to borrow money to cover a bill i dont know what ill do..its just frustrating big time...and i dont know...couldnt care less this morning about anything and i do have one client to see today but ill be late cas i ahve to throw together a letter to send to mommy and everything and i know she is majorly pissed off taht i am dodging her calls and not answering her..and so ill be getting yelled at about that later and have i mentioend that i am jut screwed up lately??? i am just being stupid..and my head hurts really really badly..and if i cut today and go to the doctor tomorrow will they be able to patch me up and send me home?? i feel like i did before..where there is to much going on inside to manage to it all together on the outside without cutting..or doing something to ease up the overwhelming feelings...i dont know ..maybe i should call linda but i dont want to bother her and that will just take to much energy to try and focus and talk to her..i cant focus right now..maybe thats the problem..that i cant focus and i just want to lay down and not be around anyone because that means that i dont have to focus anymore and tomorrow and the rest of the week will be really busy and ill have lots and lots to do and get done and work stuff and all of that and im scared that ill just keep messing up and not be able to get anything fixed and if i borrow money from mommy ill be messing up stuff for her and its just that well without an extenstion for my bill im afraid that my power will be cut off..and i dont remember how much my next check will be and mommy has already told me not to forget to give her something out of my next check because she will be going out of town and i owe her..and yes i know that i owe her i do..i cant forget because she keeps telling me every other day about it..and so there is no why that i could forget..and im sorry but money jut doesnt grow on trees...and i have to cook dinner tonight because if i get take out one more time im going to throw up..my head really truly hurts right now ..and im almost out of time on the computer at the library and will have to go and figure out what it is im supposed to be doing..i have my computer with me and i know i have to do the letter..and then i have to go to work..and then make phone calls and then ..i dont know..i forget ..im picking big time ..face..arms..everywhere..just picking and picking and even after cutting my nails yesterday to stop the picking .im still doing it..

oh i remember...my job..is doing this give away thing...4 days and 3 nights in Orlando...and there are only like 4 rules ..and its between all the counselors..all like 5 of us...and i want that trip..i want it so so much..and i can pick when i want to go and i have to get there..but the hotel is paid for...and its going to last 2 months..this challenge of sorts..and its like..having to turn in all paperwork on time..and getting as many hours as you can..and being creative and bringing ideas to the team..that sort of thing for 2 months..and we were all told about it yesterday..and darn it i want to win that trip..
and the company is expanding soon..and opening up another location...and the boss lady was at the meeting yesterday and talked about us being able to get new opportunities in the company..and all of that..and it was pretty interesting to hear you know..

and then i worked last night..and stayed late again..and played with the baby..and all of that...and i better go...