Well its 2am and im awake..stupid me and not managing my money is the cause of this..and im just gonna have to suck it up and deal with the lack of sleep until I can get my trazodone refilled next week..im plan is to get on top of my money..and figure oout where im spending ..cas yeah..i don’t know how I ended up with zero money…I really truly don’t..and im tired of over drawing my bank account..and I realize that I just need to get better at money and what im doing with it..and so im working on setting up a budget..i really am..and im working on getting my hours back up at work..and that will help I think…although I don’t know…more money may not be the best idea lol…but it does help that I know my paycheck is steady…it really does..even though it is super scary knowing that im completely tapped out right now..and have to wait until next week…I need to start putting money in savings and paying attention and actually working on getting better and taking care of myself and paying my bills and being an adult..-sigh- who knew being an adult would be so very hard..and that I wasn’t prepared at all…
I saw linda yesterday and we talked about a lot of things (how much I owe her is well some of what we talked about too.yikes) but I have to start paying her too..and paying off doc mead…and yeah..but linda..hmm well we talked about my feelings about my supervisor..and how they are normal..and im sitting there like..this is normal??!! Me thinking about my supervisor on a regular basis is normal?? In a not so professional way?!?! Holy crap…linda talked to me about how it is normal to have feelings for other ppl and be attracted to other ppl..and so on and do forth…but for me it is a major major truly big deal..because I realized yesterday that this is really the first time ive been attracted to someone..like truly attracted to someone that I see and talk to one a regular basis..this is not movie star attractions..this is not someone who is a million miles away from me..this is someone that I see and work with.and who I cant seem to control my thoughts around..and yes I understand that nothing will come of the relationship you know..its a working relationship..its got boundaries all over the place…and well shes got a boyfriend..haha..poor me..i sure know how to pick them! But I sat there and talked to linda about all of this and I tried to skirt around the reasons for why im afraid of relationships..and I don’t think I got to the bottom of it yet..but there are a couple major things to discuss with her..and gosh I was fighting myself yesterday..part of me wanted to admit what happened before…what causes the fear and uncertainty..the worries of being hurt..or being forced ..being vulnerable..all of these things run through my head and im just afraid..and maybe that is why although the feelings are overwhelming at times that they are directed at my supervisor…that it is okay for me to like her like that because I know nothing will happen ..and so I don’t have to be as afraid in some ways…yeah the feelings are embarrassing to me big time and hard to understand at times..but there is safety I think in knowing that truly there will be nothing happening.. and I write that and really do feel disappointed in some ways…like ill forever be stuck avoiding relationships because of being afraid .. linda asked me something about love and another person..and crap I don’t remember..but it was a question I truly didn’t have an answer for…I mean..i never really thought of myself as capable of loving someone else on a personal level..like sharing and touching and all of that..and well that part of it makes me freeze with fear…but I am able to become attracted to someone..and have feelings for someone..and its only taken me 28 years to have this happen…talk about late bloomer! But its hard too because I really don’t understand all that is going on..it is new..and scary..and I just almost wish I could go back to not liking anyone because it was safer that way..because I felt safer that way…im afraid of relationships because I feel like im just not worth the trouble..mommy told me that im to selfish to get married…no one really touches on my lack of dating or relationships in my family..yet my brothers always have girlfriends..my sister is married…and me? Who do I have? Ive never had a boyfriend..and now im attracted to my female supervisor..and its like great..as if I wasn’t weird enough..i have to go and make things even harder for myself…I mean no ..same sex relationships ..you know..who cares..love who you love..and don’t worry about what other people have to say…but on a personal this is me level..i think im afraid that I wont be accepted you know..and yeah not that I have a lot of experience to go on..but I guess I just worry..and I know my sister and brothers prolly wouldn’t care at all..but mommy and other ppl in the family.. idont know..they say one thing and mean another sometimes..and this is just a battle that I am not ready for…how can I come out of the closet that I never knew I was even in ? and I feel really stupid for not knowing some of this stuff..for managing to get so old and have zero experience in relationships..and love and trust and all of that..its all so new to me..and really unsettling and scary..i truly don’t know who I prefer..and again based on past stuff that has nothing to do with relationships..i was pretty positive I would never be attracted to anyone..because the fear of being forced overruled everything else..and there was no way I was setting myself up to be hurt…im tired of being hurt..i really am..
Well that was one thing we talked about..and I swear the world is out to get me ..because a few hours later ..im at work..and well talking to my supervisor..and what does she tell me ??? that next week will be her last week with the company?!?! And that she has accepted another job ..and that’s it…I swear I was sitting there and heard what she said..and my heart broke..and it was like really ?! why..i wanted to ask her so many questions..i wanted to cry..i wanted to just scream and throw things and tell her she couldn’t leave L I don’t want her to leave..and crap im writing this and trying not to cry..i really don’t want her to leave..and I feel like its my fault for not being able to control my feelings about her…and yes I know that’s irratitional but its how I feel right now..ill see her maybe a couple times next week and then that’s it..and I asked her if we would be able to stay in contact..and after checking to make sure its ok she said that we could..and that made me feel happier..but at the same time how am I going to stay in contact with her?? Me?? Im a loser when it comes to staying in contact with ppl..and I don’t know how to deal with it all right now…im upset and sad and frustrated and very confused about it all..and its not fair..and I hate the world right now..and I hate that her leaving means that ill have to get used to a new person when they get hired..and then of course I worried immediately about the office closing and losing clients because of not having a supervisor..and im like ok wait..the company was here long before this supervisor..and will continue to be here after her..but it is just sad right now..im sad.. so she agreed to staying in contact and then in the same breath told me she wouldn’t be comfortable giving me therapy..and it took a few moments for that part to click in my head..but then I told her that it was ok cas I didn’t want therapy from her..and told her that I already had a therapist..yeah major weirdness having my supervisor as my therapist…scary! And major uncomfortable..she knows a little bit..yes..and im sure she has probably worked somethings out..who knows..no I don’t want to know! But yeah..friend yes..therapist NO!
And I did manage to talk to linda a little bit about how it felt to turn down the case at work..and to realize that I really cant work with some populations…I realized that my own stuff wasn’t under enough control to go and work with someone else dealing with the same issues..and it really was hard for me to admit that I couldn’t take the case..and linda said I did good..and that made me feel a little bit better..but im still getting used to the idea that it is okay to not be able to do everything..to not be able to handle everything..and that its ok to say no to things..and right now my cases are majorly busy..like I have 6 cases..but really am only working 4 of them..but that keeps me super busy..
And as embarrassing as it is…and well its not like anyone will know..but im taking off Friday and Monday ..Technically it’s a holiday weekend..and so technically I can go off and spend the weekend at home or something…but really I wont be going anywhere..ill be at my apartment..and just trying to conserve gas until my next pay check..sad isn’t it? But I keep telling myself that I just need to make it to next wed and things will ease up a bit…and whatever it takes I will make it to next wed darn it…and I refuse to borrow money from mommy…like as long as im super careful today and tomorrow..and then don’t go anywhere or do a lot of driving..i should be able to keep gas to make it out next week to get my check..and I do feel so stupid for it coming to this..but it is what it is right..and im trying to take things a day at a time..i really am…so yeah..
Something I realized yesterday though..while I was with linda…was that I wanted to talk..really talk about some of the past things…that I haven’t told her..i wanted her to know..and I don’t know what I wanted from her..but just her knowing was enough..but fear and well not enough time stopped that from happening..and I left thinking that I needed to write it down and give it to her because im not sure about saying some of it ..or even most of it outloud..but I need to organize my thoughts about it..or it will just be a confusing mass of information and thoughts..and things half remembered and wont make any sense at all..and sometimes feeling misunderstood is a big trigger I guess..and leaves me feeling like I have to defend myself.. but I did ask her about the kids and sexual abuse thing..and linda agreed with me..and said that I had worked it out correctly ( again not remembering what exactly was said but I got the feeling she agreed with my thinking pattern on it)..she said that force is force and if the other person isn’t willing then its trauma..abuse…age isn’t the big factor..cas if the kid is old enough to know how to force or make the other person do what they want ..then they know right from wrong..and they know that they are hurting the other person..in my opinion anyway..but she eased my fears in some ways..and left me wanting to say so many things in others..there is still so much left to tell her..and I just don’t know how to get the words out..and that scares me too..but I think that I will tell her..but that ill be writing it down..not speaking it..yikes..major scary factor in that one..but I just feel tired of keeping secrets..tired of feeling so sad and depressed..and still fighting the urge to hurt myself..cut..binge..whatever..i just want it to stop..i want to feel better..i want to live and not hurt..i want to stop being afraid of everything..i want to be proud of my life and know that I had fun and lived..but right now..right now im not living..im existing ..im getting by..and that’s all..
Wow I think I had A LOT to get off of my chest..and I feel lighter a little bit..i guess its been a while since ive really written you know…maybe I can work on collages this week..cas I think its important that I get my feelings out…especially since im cutting again..or have cut again..what 3 times in 5 months…not good… but ok im going back to lay down and try to sleep for a bit longer…and then get up and work on some paperwork that’s due tomorrow…fun…
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